kerouac says

i was just cleaning out old paper drafts and outdated files from my flash drive, and i found the letter i submitted to the admissions committee at UCL@ with all my supplemental materials.

ha. i totally got in.

i suddenly feel like drinking a bottle of champagne, but i have this thesis to revise, so . . . postponed.

i graduate in six weeks, mofos.

remember this?

it's coming at you. they changed the title (thank god--the dog's name was "Rexxx," which, for a kid's movie . . . apparently three Xs in a row no longer means porn, but i had not been apprised), and did not cast anyone who auditioned while i was there, including me.

i will not be seeing it.

i just did one of those things where i realized it's practically april. my papers are due at the end of april (i should check this; it might be more like the 19th). have i written these papers? no. i am oddly unconcerned. i guess there will be a point when this situation becomes emergent, but i'm clearly not there yet because i watched cartoons on teevee last night and went on a little bike ride with the monkey in the afternoon.

this was going to be the serious buckle down weekend, too.

still, part of me is so glad for any time i'm not feeling anxious--even if i should be, by my own standards or someone else's--that it's hard to feel too badly. plus, as someone pointed out to me on friday night, this is the equivalent of the last quarter i was in highschool. i've already gotten into the next school, and once i've moved on no one will ever check these grades again. UCL@ is not going to un-admit me if i get straight B minuses. so, kind of whatever.

wedding. planning. ceremony. honeymoon. money. moving. L.A. car. packing. it's intense, these days. anytime i can blow it off and take a bike ride, i probably should--although all of it starting not to be so far away anymore. this goddamned move could really not come at a less convenient time, but i'm trying not to let it spoil my wedding.

grrr. if you know anything about the housing market in los angeles, or where we can get the use of ten thousand dollars for free for six months, please let me know.

i am having a hard time saying the words: we are moving to L.A. but we are. i gave my official yes to UCL@ last week. still sort of choking on it when it comes to the sharing.

i'm not sure why. maybe part of it is that for a long time, "i'm moving to L.A." had this very specific meaning attached to it, about moving to L.A. to be an actron and the associated struggle. and i'm actually moving there to be something else, which maybe puts me further away from the actron stuff than ever before. at least september through june.

maybe also that i'm worried about the monkey. my gut (or my pessimism; choose your own adventure) tells me that this is going to be a frustrating transition. he wasn't that satisfied with his new york progress, and he jumped into a nice situation with an automatic agent here, thanks to a friend's recommendation. that might not happen in the new place. and as much as i know he'd be sort of offended at being classified this way, he's done almost nothing but musicals since we got here. the on-camera work is going to be a lot different. it's a big change. it's a tough row to hoe.

there's even other crap: feeling some academic exhaustion, and corresponding anxiety about signing on for four more years; the prospect of a cross-country move right after the wedding (either one of those things is enough for a summer, and both in rapid succession sounds like a sure-fire way to keep losing my hair); being sort of scared to count on it until i've signed something, even though it would be really weird if something fell through after this much assurance.

i think most of it, though, is what made me be so closed-mouthed about moving to new york during my last seattle days. i don't want to be written off. i don't want it to be over before it's over. i can't believe i'm hesitant to let the long, gross, pee-smelling marathon that is new york be over, but it's no fun living anywhere as a short-timer, with one foot out the door. i don't want it all to happen quite yet. moving to california means having a plan about how it's going to proceed and i don't have a plan. except for the list of things i want to do in this city before i leave it, which is disconcertingly long. and some of them i'm just going to have to give up, like cheap flights to puerto rico and sledding in the park.

on a good day, though, i'm amazed it all came together so well. the one other city where the monkey feels like he has a shot at making a living the way he wants to, the one program that promised four years of labor instead of five or six, the one that's chaired by a feminist theatre scholar with a particular interest in the digital . . . and with full tuition and fees plus fellowship support.

so, i'm unsticking the hesitance: we're moving to L.A. and i have every intention of making a success of it.

as you know if you visit the other blog, my godson was born yesterday. i'm tickled, and humbled, and can't wait to meet him. i think we may be supposed to show up at a baptism at some point, although they didn't baptise the other one for like a year, so that could be awhile.

i also told this story there, but the godson's elder brother made up this joke months ago where he would tell his mother he had a secret to share, and when she bent her ear close he would whisper:

mexico!

i think this is hilarious and do it with him whenever i see him, even though it's been months since he spontaneously brought up the game. this visit, i asked him if i could tell him a secret, and did the mexico, and then he said he had a secret to tell, and when i leaned in he whispered:

i love you.

and then i became spontaneously pregnant.


no. but almost.


it's sold out, so if you didn't already make plans you prolly can't, but you might want to go see the wooster group hamlet. it's pretty interesting.

in case you are wondering who i'm in love with right now, it is the blow. and i'm seeing them for free with the college kids tomorrow in an actual auditorium. remember the auditorium? ours was also the lunch room, and i can't get past thinking that there will be this phantom tartar sauce smell at the show.

there won't be. but there will be the blow.

i've been goofing off. there was this marathon study day after i got back in which i (mostly, with gaps) caught up, and then . . .

and then it was like i broke my studyer. i'm downloading music, i'm addressing our ridiculously late save-the-date cards, i'm watching back episodes of television dramas on the computer. i've decided just to go with it. this is probably the last week this is possible, and my brain may be mustering forces under the cover of laxity. first revision of my master's project is due after we get back from spring break. which means if i didn't work on it last week, this week's a bastard--because you know once my plane lands in seattletown, it's weddingweddingwedding until i fall down.

writing the paper might actually come as a relief, but i'm not counting on getting any of it done.

school news: UCLA says yes. officially. in a weird way, at first; rather than a welcomey email from the faculty i got an auto-reponse from the robot who monitors the online application system saying a decision had been made on my file. which, i thought: crap. i didn't get in. but when i logged in to check there was a real admissions letter and everything. no peep followed from the actual faculty for a week, which was odd, but they did eventually confirm (and welcome) and are in the process of deciding funding. the chair asked me to advise them about where i was in my decision-making process as they try to juggle the money.

i feel like every step closer i get is a non-step. first, i didn't know what the invitation to california "meant;" now i'm officially accepted, but won't know if i can actually go until they get back to me about the money. i'm tired.

we are both having a little trepidation about moving to the los angeles. it's just new and weird, and what is it going to be like if L.A. actor hell turns out to be something he can't stand? plus: moving. remember moving? i would kind of rather eat glass.

maybe we'll love it. maybe we'll get a dog. maybe i'll get in to UW and they'll give me a million dollars and we'll just have to go back to seattle.

on my last night of goof, we ordered in sushi and the monkey picked up sake on his way home and we canoodled on the couch after the simpsons. we laughed until my guts hurt. we are getting married, and not just a little bit. some times it just knocks my socks off.