Thursday, January 29, 2009


privilege kills.

is it possible that facebook makes me more lonely?

is it true that i would be less lonely if i had friends to take hilariously kooky photos with? or knew better adjectives?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


the fourth, the fifth.

we had such a wonderful weekend, all birthday for the monkey all the time. i took him to a crazy expensive hotel that was running a sunday night special and we lived pretend luxe for about 24 hours. which, honestly, as much as there's stuff i'd like to do and things i'd prefer not to worry about, is right about enough. i felt so relaxed, and we had a few of those sappy, amazing in-love moments that transcend the here and now.

i'm sure the drugs helped.

but still. it was like someone handed me a polaroid of what life would be like if i could let go of my bitter and at least half of my anxiously selfish. (and grab onto a room service champagne cocktail.) i'm not so bad, but this glimpse of what it'd be like to be generous, all the time? as the base coat, as the default setting? gah. it was marvelous. kind of scary-marvelous.

and then we came home, and there was about 24 hours of afterglow until a perfectly natural argument erupted. but it was one of those repeaters, the ones you have over and over again. those are the ones that kill. maybe precisely because they're important and necessary and ineffectual. and while the dilemma and the anxiety were real, the part of me that's still in that two person spa bathtub in manhattan beach with personal chromatherapy controls was all like:

maybe you could just let go.

maybe. i don't know. don't tell anyone.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


healthier feels better.

the year is young, but i have said this to myself many times. and not only about cookies, also about skirting up to make important phone calls and occasionally clean something. we'll see how far i get.

the monkey is off to an audition and there's a little bit of a thorn in my heart that i'm not going with him. so, maybe time to dust off some monologues (bleech). and maybe return my hair to its headshot length. healthier feels better.

PS, world, you win. i am now on the facebook.

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