Tuesday, March 08, 2011


dear baby.

dear baby, you are amazing, now let's talk about me and why i can't relax.

what is UP? is it the baby? what was it before the baby, because this is an old, old problem. why am i constantly terrified that something is wrong? except low level terrified, threat level magenta or . . . brown, whatever is the mild to moderate chronic threat that leaves you always thinking:

well, it will all be fine once X calms down.

note to louella byrne: X will never calm down. if so, it will be followed, immediately, by Y.

i want to be a relaxed person at least some of the time. relaxed people have fun with their babies. and maybe they don't write their dissertations all the time, but when they break, they have fun and stop the gentle constant thought flagellation. jesus christ. i have to fix this.

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