Thursday, January 21, 2010


did i mention?

that we're out of the closet? i told scary advisor last week--and, actually, it wasn't so scary; she only groaned, and then apologized, and then moved on to the next topic. she was actually touchingly concerned that i was doing the wrong kind of yoga. anyway, the facebook announcement ensued, and now it's out.

on another note, everyone we love: please stop getting married this summer. we can't go to any of your weddings, it seems, including the best one's, in scotland, and that is a bitter pill. small baby, you are maybe the only thing that could keep me away from a shindig like that.

i'm trying not to pout. this is the best reason to miss things ever (and takes some of the pressure off the fact that we probably can't afford to go to all these important weddings anyway. sigh).

but scotland, man. jeez.



and yet it moves.

we have movement! as of a week ago, it became clear that at least 60% of those maybe-gas-bubbles, maybe-fetus-flips are actually the more exciting of the two. i LOVE this. in meetings, i very carefully crawl inside my own abdomen to check in and see who's moving. the other morning, there was a really distinct one--like, more a thump than a swish--and then it happened again, but of course when i freaked out and flipped over and put the monkey's hand on the thump site, it stopped happening. didn't mean to startle you, baby. do that some more.

i made baby clothes. these are divine; they are small and relatively shapeless, easy to finish, no tricky parts, and then you feel like a domestic goddess afterwards. and i made some tops to wear as i continue to expand, one of which is pretty cute and the other of which will look okay to wear cleaning the apartment, if that were something i did regularly.

here's the thing about the belly and the showing: when will it start? there were a couple days over christmas where i couldn't button my pants and felt like i looked like a whale. and now, pants button okay and i just look a little . . . thick. i think maybe there was some bloating that's resolved, and that's part of it, but i hope i'm--oh, this sounds so incredibly annoying: i hope i'm gaining enough weight. try not to read that in a valley girl accent if you can help it. my appetite has revved down noticeably, and we don't have a scale, and the i've been absent from the gym (eep), and i feel like i'm not getting any bigger. whatever. i was fine when the midwife checked at the end of december and probably can't have gotten too un-fine in the ensuing weeks. especially given the daily doughnut habit i've developed as insurance against my flagging appetite. because that's what the baby needs; more glaze.

we find out the sex at the end of the month, assuming s/he cooperates. i wanted to talk about both kinds of names in the interim; the monkey would rather just not start until the field is narrowed. this makes sense, but once we know, all the other possibilities will evaporate, and i want to play with them while they're still viable. we totally do not think the same about the naming thing. i guess he hasn't been doodling names he likes on pee-chee folders for twenty years.

anyway, we'll let you know.


Thursday, January 07, 2010



it is easy to imagine you, prospective baby, as a happy secret that is only mine. sitting in a college cafeteria wearing a maternity t-shirt that i don't quite fill out (despite the inexorable largening of these breasts; when will it end?), no one knows about you but me. this is maybe the only time you will be mine alone, before you're a person, before you can do a single thing without me. later i'll be happy to investigate you as your own person--really, i can't wait to meet you--or to share the parenting of you with that guy who helped make you, but right now you're only mine, my happiest secret, and i can barely contain my glee. world, i know something you don't know, and it is the best thing ever.


Wednesday, January 06, 2010



so, i passed the exams! and had to nod and smile when everyone told me to go get hammered afterwards. it's a sad thing, not being able to celebrate a major achievement with a cocktail.

that was a while ago, though. and it's been quiet since. nothing too exciting seems to be happening in the uterus. it's time enough that i could be feeling some tiny movements, and i feel like maybe i do, but also, maybe it's gas. whatever it is feels a little like muscle cramps, so maybe they're . . . actually muscle cramps.

i'm starting not to fit into my pants so good. in fact, that started over christmas. so did some barfing, but that turned out to be food poisoning. (turned out to be food poisoning, she says casually, as if the memory no longer left her quaking in her socks.) but after that subsided, it was a nice time of leaving my pants unbuttoned and being waited on. my mom and i even went to a diaper store.

and the monkey leaned down and told my belly that he loved the baby. this could not be more predictable, and yet: i never predicted it. it knocked me flat, the idea that he is going to love this baby. i don't know what i thought, that he was just . . . going along with all this to be a mensch, but no. real love. or the beginnings of it.

there are times when all of this seems far less fraught than i feared and assumed. i as much as i sometimes still think this is a prop baby i will have to give back, i also see myself in some well-lit room with a good haircut, being my best self while i talk to a little baby. that's kind of how i thought marriage was going to be like before i gave it a shot. and i know better; my hair does not always look so good while married and i am certainly, unfortunately, rarely my best self. but imagining it is easier than i anticipated, and that's something nice. i'm unaccustomed to imagining the best case scenario.


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