Wednesday, January 06, 2010
so!
so, i passed the exams! and had to nod and smile when everyone told me to go get hammered afterwards. it's a sad thing, not being able to celebrate a major achievement with a cocktail.
that was a while ago, though. and it's been quiet since. nothing too exciting seems to be happening in the uterus. it's time enough that i could be feeling some tiny movements, and i feel like maybe i do, but also, maybe it's gas. whatever it is feels a little like muscle cramps, so maybe they're . . . actually muscle cramps.
i'm starting not to fit into my pants so good. in fact, that started over christmas. so did some barfing, but that turned out to be food poisoning. (turned out to be food poisoning, she says casually, as if the memory no longer left her quaking in her socks.) but after that subsided, it was a nice time of leaving my pants unbuttoned and being waited on. my mom and i even went to a diaper store.
and the monkey leaned down and told my belly that he loved the baby. this could not be more predictable, and yet: i never predicted it. it knocked me flat, the idea that he is going to love this baby. i don't know what i thought, that he was just . . . going along with all this to be a mensch, but no. real love. or the beginnings of it.
there are times when all of this seems far less fraught than i feared and assumed. i as much as i sometimes still think this is a prop baby i will have to give back, i also see myself in some well-lit room with a good haircut, being my best self while i talk to a little baby. that's kind of how i thought marriage was going to be like before i gave it a shot. and i know better; my hair does not always look so good while married and i am certainly, unfortunately, rarely my best self. but imagining it is easier than i anticipated, and that's something nice. i'm unaccustomed to imagining the best case scenario.
that was a while ago, though. and it's been quiet since. nothing too exciting seems to be happening in the uterus. it's time enough that i could be feeling some tiny movements, and i feel like maybe i do, but also, maybe it's gas. whatever it is feels a little like muscle cramps, so maybe they're . . . actually muscle cramps.
i'm starting not to fit into my pants so good. in fact, that started over christmas. so did some barfing, but that turned out to be food poisoning. (turned out to be food poisoning, she says casually, as if the memory no longer left her quaking in her socks.) but after that subsided, it was a nice time of leaving my pants unbuttoned and being waited on. my mom and i even went to a diaper store.
and the monkey leaned down and told my belly that he loved the baby. this could not be more predictable, and yet: i never predicted it. it knocked me flat, the idea that he is going to love this baby. i don't know what i thought, that he was just . . . going along with all this to be a mensch, but no. real love. or the beginnings of it.
there are times when all of this seems far less fraught than i feared and assumed. i as much as i sometimes still think this is a prop baby i will have to give back, i also see myself in some well-lit room with a good haircut, being my best self while i talk to a little baby. that's kind of how i thought marriage was going to be like before i gave it a shot. and i know better; my hair does not always look so good while married and i am certainly, unfortunately, rarely my best self. but imagining it is easier than i anticipated, and that's something nice. i'm unaccustomed to imagining the best case scenario.
Labels: chickpea
