Saturday, August 27, 2005



it's beautiful and full of babies and the air smells good and everything i can see is home.

right now, if i could pick something about myself to change (magically, not through "work," or anything) i would make myself less worried.

i am loving seattle, and as always it's too short and half-bittersweet because it feels unnatural to leave when i'd like to stay. which brings on all these questions about the future, and where we will live and what we will do and now the monkey has no savings, zero, and seems to have an odd block about fixing that problem by changing jobs or working more so that more money comes *in.* and he's lukewarm about having babies and how can i even be thinking about that when we can't find a place to live where we'll both be happy?

i know i said we'd just leave the truth turds on the plate, but i'm finding it hard now. my guts want to know what the plan is. when i got here and started driving around, my chest opened up a little and i felt the way i did that time that i visited from san francisco and realized: you don't have to live somewhere that makes you feel bad. you can just change it.

it's not that easy once you're no longer a sole-proprietorship. i'm not here to charm anyone out of his dream. and another year in new york isn't going to kill anyone--our apartment will appreciate, i'll . . . i don't know, take some classes. maybe i really will go back to school, although my thinking about it is so knotted up i feel like saying to hell widdit, i'll just work this software job and have the same argument with myself in five years about How i Can Ensure Meaningful Work Even When Performance Isn't Happening.

i took off my ohm necklace--that was probably a mistake. i'm gonna go get on that.

(don't you worry, goslings. it's a marvellous visit even if i'm painting a dark picture.)


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