Thursday, October 13, 2011
secret shame. other than dove bars.
i was feeling perfectly fine this morning. tired. whatever. excited to get to the coffee shop and eat a pain au chocolat (new leaf, yes. skipping pastry, no). and in my morning scan of internet offerings, i found a friend of mine interviewed about being a mom.
why am i so convinced that other people are having more fun than i am? when i hear stories about people investing in themselves and getting happy, sometimes they make me despair. because i think i can't do that? because it doesn't work? because for a long time, i think people really were happier than i was most of the time and now i'm that paranoid guy who thinks there must always be a boogie in his nose? (a sadness boogie. the boogie of sadness.)
i have such a terminal grass-is-greener problem. and i think getting happier has more to do with kicking that than with anything else.
also, though, right now is hard. i may have a problem that makes me think i live in a constant state of exception where things are temporarily difficult but will get better when: we make more money, when this show closes, when i have a more fulfilling job, when the kid goes to college. i know better than to spend my life that way, but there's no getting over that this year might suck in a lot of ways.
but for right now, i'm going to go write for five minutes in a pretend voice, one that thinks i'm as happy as my friend. and we'll see how that goes.
why am i so convinced that other people are having more fun than i am? when i hear stories about people investing in themselves and getting happy, sometimes they make me despair. because i think i can't do that? because it doesn't work? because for a long time, i think people really were happier than i was most of the time and now i'm that paranoid guy who thinks there must always be a boogie in his nose? (a sadness boogie. the boogie of sadness.)
i have such a terminal grass-is-greener problem. and i think getting happier has more to do with kicking that than with anything else.
also, though, right now is hard. i may have a problem that makes me think i live in a constant state of exception where things are temporarily difficult but will get better when: we make more money, when this show closes, when i have a more fulfilling job, when the kid goes to college. i know better than to spend my life that way, but there's no getting over that this year might suck in a lot of ways.
but for right now, i'm going to go write for five minutes in a pretend voice, one that thinks i'm as happy as my friend. and we'll see how that goes.
