Tuesday, October 11, 2011


it's me. again.

there's a backdated post coming about the very latest hey-wait-now-it's-different. (preview, which will be a post view: fourteen months! is when the baby became a kid. all kid. what a kid.) i'll write it soon, but this one is burning a bigger hole in a more important pocket.

i've been drinking a lot in the evenings. this happens sometimes; it's happened other sometimes, and i've never been too worried. i started to just get the smallest amount worried, and then the thing that always happens happened: it stopped being fun. my sleep has been sucking. i think i have finally gotten enough beer. (it was like there was a very very dry beer sponge in there. the months of pregnancy and nursing--like i abstained while nursing--parched me in a way that could only be slaked by a couple of months of beer hoovering.)

and i got myself a few books, thinking i could do that in the nights instead. it turns out it's fun, just like i remember--like before i had netflix and a dvr and didn't quite know i could buy booze for myself. which is to say, before 25. remember that? remember having that bottle of scotch for, like, a year? and reading books and renting Important Films?

i read a book that made me, on one hand, sad because it was about someone doing her dream job. and also written in a way that made me think i would like this famous person, which somehow also made me sad because we are not going to be friends. more, though, that i am not going to have that thing--at least not my first thing, the ashland thing, the film career thing, the voice-overs-for-adult-cartoons thing. i will not have a career that involves a blooper reel, and to me that is a serious deal. i pick that. that is my first choice.

increasingly, i'm worried that my very valid second choice is nearly as much of a shot in the dark, an ice castle, but whatever.

the POINT IS, it also made me want to write again, really badly. so i might do some of that. i'm not making any promises, because i am too smart for that. (Things I Am Too Smart For: short list.) but i am also thinking about going to bed earlier and eating some green stuff and doing a few sit ups. you know, to see. just to see.

if this is all to shit in a month and i'm back to killing a triad of cheap beer each night, no fair laughing. i'm trying as hard as i can to figure, and there's a lot to figure. i'm finding a place for the six thousand wants that can't be assuaged. if you're wondering what i'm doing with ALL MY FREE TIME, it's that.


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