Friday, September 26, 2008



i know. it's been, like, a month. and i keep talking about how i don't have anything to do. you'd think someone for whom free time is weighing so heavily would blog a little more.

except what really happened--and this is so emblematic of my general situation--was that i didn't post for a while because i was procrastinating, and then once i really wanted to, everything heated up. my mom came to town. i started teaching five million weekends in a row. i got another tutoring contract. our subletter needed new legal documents. aaaaaa. it doesn't sound like much, but after a slow summer of too much time on my hands, i think i've forgotten something important about efficiency.

good news? i'm working more, and this means more money. this makes me feel good. good like secure, and good like maybe i can keep taking my bank-account-sucking acting classes for a while. also good because this company flies me around to teach in different cities, and i got to go to seattle and visit what will always be, for me, the specialheartland. it smelled like fall. the monkey, who grew up in maine, scoffs at the idea that there is fall in seattle, but there is. and it's a little longer and nicer than the fall in new york, which is really just indian summer with cool, sweater-temp breeze in the evening. seattle gets crispy at the end of summer, but the air is still kind of soft because of the salt. it smells amazing. i love it.

sigh. it was also so good to see friends of various stripes, and to play elmo ball with my godson (involves big stuffed elmo, red vinyl ball, and the kind of addictive baby-laughter my dad referenced in his wedding toast). man, i am no longer interested in pretending i am not counting the days until we can move back there. i think i can say it no longer seems optional. i broke this to the monkey, stammering like a child, and he was the nicest ever. i know it's not necessarily his destination of choice, but i am hopeful.

item: if all goes as planned, roughly one year from today we start trying to have a baby. when i type that, my vision goes all white for about 1/100th of a second. everything i ever thought was scary is not quite as scary as this, it turns out. thanks to every friend who has said the right thing about this scaredness--and you know who you are, even if you didn't say it out loud. it's not how i pictured it, us being so dependent on the university and so far away from people we love. i was hoping for more geographically close support, more loved ones to lean on. but we will see. after all, people with harder lives than us do this all the time.

okay, and school! school happens. i'm an assistant for my big scary advisor yet again, and though i still despair of ever being able to treat her opinion of me with something approaching reasoned nonchalance, i am hopeful and confident. she is, after all, not a monster. at least, not always. a lot of the time she is very reasonable, and she is always very smart. we can do this. i can do this. three more years. gah. three more years. long, but do-able. and when i am done, you all have to call me doctor forever and no one can ever take it away from me, world without end, amen.


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