Saturday, August 23, 2008
you never know what's going to do it.
spoiler alert--although i must be the only person who really cares about the series to have just now watched the end of the sopranos. however: if you're saving it for a rainy day, stop reading.
holy shit. the very end--the end of the last episode? it messed me up. i felt all shaky afterwards. i guess because the big message--this was untenable, you always knew it was coming, you managed to forget about the inevitable, but it is coming back out of the bathroom to end your happiness--is also the big message i'm afraid if my completely non-gangster life. what i cannot bear is the idea that i will be eating a cheeseburger in some mom and pop joint with my beloved family and something will intervene. ominously.
because families don't last. they don't. they're status quos that expire fairly regularly. divorce, adolescence, careers, adulthood, estrangement, cancer, hit men--family togetherness is always the space between rupture. it's always limited. and while i think it would be sweet even if i could make it go on forever, probably its value--particularly its nostalgia value--depends on its evanescence. don't tell anyone, but in my heart, if i could make that moment last forever, the one where i sat with my folks with a grilled cheese sandwich and every single thing was okay and all i had to do in the world was read books and get taller--i don't know that i could choose today over that, even though i love the agency involved in adulthood, even though i love my husband. even though i know this is the way it's supposed to go. a part of me, a big part of me, still wants to go back there and mourns because it can't be done. i kind of wish i were still in therapy right now. i think probably there's something to talk about in there.
i know i'm projecting, but it felt like i was watching that moment, an okay moment, the good small moment, which then becomes the moment when it stops. and poor goddmaned meadow trying to park her car. jesus. my heart hurt. the monkey had wanted to watch the last episode later, after i was done, even though he hasn't followed along the last couple seasons, and i "accidentally" sealed the DVD up in the netflix envelope so that it was inaccessible. put it away.
holy shit. the very end--the end of the last episode? it messed me up. i felt all shaky afterwards. i guess because the big message--this was untenable, you always knew it was coming, you managed to forget about the inevitable, but it is coming back out of the bathroom to end your happiness--is also the big message i'm afraid if my completely non-gangster life. what i cannot bear is the idea that i will be eating a cheeseburger in some mom and pop joint with my beloved family and something will intervene. ominously.
because families don't last. they don't. they're status quos that expire fairly regularly. divorce, adolescence, careers, adulthood, estrangement, cancer, hit men--family togetherness is always the space between rupture. it's always limited. and while i think it would be sweet even if i could make it go on forever, probably its value--particularly its nostalgia value--depends on its evanescence. don't tell anyone, but in my heart, if i could make that moment last forever, the one where i sat with my folks with a grilled cheese sandwich and every single thing was okay and all i had to do in the world was read books and get taller--i don't know that i could choose today over that, even though i love the agency involved in adulthood, even though i love my husband. even though i know this is the way it's supposed to go. a part of me, a big part of me, still wants to go back there and mourns because it can't be done. i kind of wish i were still in therapy right now. i think probably there's something to talk about in there.
i know i'm projecting, but it felt like i was watching that moment, an okay moment, the good small moment, which then becomes the moment when it stops. and poor goddmaned meadow trying to park her car. jesus. my heart hurt. the monkey had wanted to watch the last episode later, after i was done, even though he hasn't followed along the last couple seasons, and i "accidentally" sealed the DVD up in the netflix envelope so that it was inaccessible. put it away.
