Tuesday, June 05, 2007


will not be throwing myself on train tracks.

i don't know what to say that won't be percieved as protesting too much, but for the record? i have done some questionable things in my life, but mucking around with someone's marriage--with the spirit or letter of those promises--has not been one of them.

i understand that doesn't mean that no one got hurt by the sheer proximity of the monkey's and my relationship starting so soon after the decision to end his marriage was made, but it does mean that the hurt wasn't malicious. i would like people who know us to believe we acted like the honorable people they know us to be. the advent of us was not a causal factor; that decision got made before we were a we. neither was there any plotting, or scheming, or chomping at the bit. beginnings that blossom into great things can happen at weird times, and we tried very hard to do the right thing, and looking back, while nothing was easy, i don't think we mis-stepped.

someone who's close to someone the monkey used to be married to isn't coming to the wedding. in general, this is the kind of thing that just has to be okay; everyone makes their call, and that call isn't necessarily about me, or even us. i really do get that, and i have sympathy for what might be an awkward social situation. however, if it's not about disapproval, or punishment, or finding fault, some reassurance would be really welcome. i love you, but i feel a need to be somewhere else that night. i support you, but someone else needs my support, too. or even just: i'm sorry i can't come. having someone else tell us via email that you refuse the invitation, with only veiled reasons as to why, makes me feel like you might think we're dirtbags.

i guess that's what makes it an invitation rather than a summons: we ask you if you'll bear witness on the momentous day, and you can say no. i might regret posting any of this. i know some of you are part of these circles, and i don't mean for a second to create an uncomfortable situation, or to spread bile around, or to make feel that you have to weigh in in the comments with reassurance that you still love me. it isn't that. it just made me sad, and vaguely ashamed, which isn't really how you want the whole wedding thing to proceed. it's just a vent.

i know this isn't teevee, and we can't just all go out for waffles together and roll the credits. i'd be the last person to suggest i have any idea how badly a divorce hurts. maybe everyone just feels the way they feel, and i need to grow some tougher hide.


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