Wednesday, June 27, 2007


not good.

i am particularly bad at wanting the life i have. and i say that knowing how ridiculous and ungrateful it must sound right now, when what i'm tempted to call "blessings" are positively raining down, but maybe putting it out there makes it a little better. it's a good life. i don't know what my issue is. i don't know why you'd go through life convinced that you're doing it wrong, or how you go about knocking that off once you've noticed.

there's been some wedding apathy going on. and some grad school indifference. these are great things, and suddenly i'm sort of tired of them, and feeling like they don't actually count for much. i'm not always sure, all in all, that the life i'm aiming for is the one i want, and all this grabbing at accomplishment sometimes feels like an attempt to distract myself from this fundamental miscue. i mean, maybe no one's sure, but i get this sinking feeling that there's always going to be something wrong and i'll never get to the point where i can stop sprinting to fix things and just enjoy it. or, worse: all of this fixing will never actually alter the fact that i'm just bad at being happy.

i'm concerned about this (the lack of facility with wanting what's at hand more than the dispassionate attitude towards particular events on the horizon), because i think it is probably key important, as paula abdul would say, when it comes to being happy. i have a lot of very very capable friends, and they do a lot of things, and sometimes i get so ashamed of my own stuckitude, my ability to let years and years go by without accomplishing the things i say i want, that i blush and stammer when i see what they're doing.

i bet it really isn't their clean apartments and their financial independence and their apparently effortless social lives, that induces the little shames and envies, though. i bet it's that they're doing a little better job at wanting and enjoying the good things they have instead of stabbing themselves in the thigh with what they don't.


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