Saturday, December 09, 2006
feeble.
i'm feebled.
it's been a week. berkeley application was due on friday and i stayed up so late getting it finished that there was spontaneous crying and my diction started to get bad. i used a paper that's due on the 18th as a writing sample, after turning a draft in early and getting some feedback. i'm a little concerned that my response to the feedback was too drastic a change in the paper, one i didn't have time to come back to in 48 hours and tone down/make legible/reorganize, so let's hope the first stab at revision actually helped more than it harmed and everyone believes i know a little more about cyborg theory than i actually do.
berkeley. i dream the impossible dream. a certain academic once voiced a theory that no one actually gets in to berkeley; it's just a myth. big empty buildings producing reputations without actually admitting students. whatever. i got the application in.
there's this kid--i shouldn't call them kids, some of them are only a few years younger than i am--at school. cute, witty, decent, has a spark. when i met him i had one of those moments you do when you encounter someone you would date if you were dating. not a big one, not one of the bigger "where were you ten years ago?" moments, just a huh. and then he and a bunch of women from the program moved down the street and we all became great friends. he's lovely. and then i realized last night that he's got it for me.
not in a huge way. and not in an un-nice way either; he knows i only work with one provider these days. but it's so sweet, and all the nicer because i'm not playing for it the way i might have done in my callow youth. i just happened on a sweet young man who always picks the chair by mine at the bar and never misses an opportunity for a cheek kiss and jumps up to be the one who walks me to the train and pokes me for no reason during class, and then smiles.
i don't mean to normalize monogamy, either, just because that's my lot these days. i'm just realizing how much i like the spectrum, and how being near-married has its own pleasures in terms of the small things that become safely and calmly delightful. if i were some single thirty-year-old in new york, we'd probably start sleeping together immediately and, if my past is any indication, eventually something moderatly awful would happen. as it is, i'm just going to get pokes in class once in a while and the knowledge that i'm someone's favorite for the time being. i never get tired of that.
it's been a week. berkeley application was due on friday and i stayed up so late getting it finished that there was spontaneous crying and my diction started to get bad. i used a paper that's due on the 18th as a writing sample, after turning a draft in early and getting some feedback. i'm a little concerned that my response to the feedback was too drastic a change in the paper, one i didn't have time to come back to in 48 hours and tone down/make legible/reorganize, so let's hope the first stab at revision actually helped more than it harmed and everyone believes i know a little more about cyborg theory than i actually do.
berkeley. i dream the impossible dream. a certain academic once voiced a theory that no one actually gets in to berkeley; it's just a myth. big empty buildings producing reputations without actually admitting students. whatever. i got the application in.
there's this kid--i shouldn't call them kids, some of them are only a few years younger than i am--at school. cute, witty, decent, has a spark. when i met him i had one of those moments you do when you encounter someone you would date if you were dating. not a big one, not one of the bigger "where were you ten years ago?" moments, just a huh. and then he and a bunch of women from the program moved down the street and we all became great friends. he's lovely. and then i realized last night that he's got it for me.
not in a huge way. and not in an un-nice way either; he knows i only work with one provider these days. but it's so sweet, and all the nicer because i'm not playing for it the way i might have done in my callow youth. i just happened on a sweet young man who always picks the chair by mine at the bar and never misses an opportunity for a cheek kiss and jumps up to be the one who walks me to the train and pokes me for no reason during class, and then smiles.
i don't mean to normalize monogamy, either, just because that's my lot these days. i'm just realizing how much i like the spectrum, and how being near-married has its own pleasures in terms of the small things that become safely and calmly delightful. if i were some single thirty-year-old in new york, we'd probably start sleeping together immediately and, if my past is any indication, eventually something moderatly awful would happen. as it is, i'm just going to get pokes in class once in a while and the knowledge that i'm someone's favorite for the time being. i never get tired of that.
