Tuesday, October 03, 2006
fetish object.
i didn't post a picture of my engagement ring here (at least i think i didn't; saving brain power for marcuse, lacan and kristeva this week makes me a little wobbly in the mentis) because i thought it was probably not the done thing. after all, i've had a certain ambivalence about the whole weird ring/fetter/chattel/diamond/blood in darkest africa thing from the very beginning.
i have to tell you, though, i'm glad i bowed (or listened, whichever) to the part of me that wanted this ring. i think we navigated it right; since i couldn't stand the idea of the financially-challenged monkey going into debt for a luxury that doesn't even go on his hand, i decided i would pay for it. the same great aunt who (lovingly, wonderfully) left me the down payment for the apartment had given me a gold coin (i know, right? like elves and ogres, or possibly pirates, are going to enter in a minute) for my twenty-first birthday, with a note saying, "maybe someday you'll want something." i kept it around, thinking, for reasons i can't really explain, that i would use it to buy a wedding dress or a digital camera someday. you know, one of the two. and then when it actually that time, i thought, this dumb dress only gets worn once, and this thing on my finger is like the tattoo i never got. i'll see it every day.
i sold the south african death coin on the internets, and it paid exactly for the ring, tax, the cab from 14th street, and a beer and a salad for each of us after we picked up the goods.
and here is the thing about seeing it every day. i didn't think we would find something so beautiful. i figured i'd like it, but this is so much more than "like it." as i mentioned on the public blog, this photo is rather dull. the thing itself is so freaking beautiful. it's tiny tiny tiny and the light bounces off it and it's just way more lovely than i thought any sort of ring would be. it's just a beautiful small thing. and i find myself looking at it all the time, and not in a barbie dream house, play-bride-with-a-pillowcase-on-my-head way, but because looking at how beautiful it is makes me feel like things will be okay. like i will get through this bizarre year (thirty, master's degree, constant inferiority concerns, potential change of profession, giant party, PhD applications) like a competent person and have something valuable at the end. this ring is comforting. and man, i know it's a luxurious priviliege to think this way, but is that ever worth a couple of hundred dollars.
sheepishly: i think i've rarely felt as uncomplicatedly good about anything as i do about this fingerthing. it is a brilliant reminder of what is going right.
i have to tell you, though, i'm glad i bowed (or listened, whichever) to the part of me that wanted this ring. i think we navigated it right; since i couldn't stand the idea of the financially-challenged monkey going into debt for a luxury that doesn't even go on his hand, i decided i would pay for it. the same great aunt who (lovingly, wonderfully) left me the down payment for the apartment had given me a gold coin (i know, right? like elves and ogres, or possibly pirates, are going to enter in a minute) for my twenty-first birthday, with a note saying, "maybe someday you'll want something." i kept it around, thinking, for reasons i can't really explain, that i would use it to buy a wedding dress or a digital camera someday. you know, one of the two. and then when it actually that time, i thought, this dumb dress only gets worn once, and this thing on my finger is like the tattoo i never got. i'll see it every day.
i sold the south african death coin on the internets, and it paid exactly for the ring, tax, the cab from 14th street, and a beer and a salad for each of us after we picked up the goods.
and here is the thing about seeing it every day. i didn't think we would find something so beautiful. i figured i'd like it, but this is so much more than "like it." as i mentioned on the public blog, this photo is rather dull. the thing itself is so freaking beautiful. it's tiny tiny tiny and the light bounces off it and it's just way more lovely than i thought any sort of ring would be. it's just a beautiful small thing. and i find myself looking at it all the time, and not in a barbie dream house, play-bride-with-a-pillowcase-on-my-head way, but because looking at how beautiful it is makes me feel like things will be okay. like i will get through this bizarre year (thirty, master's degree, constant inferiority concerns, potential change of profession, giant party, PhD applications) like a competent person and have something valuable at the end. this ring is comforting. and man, i know it's a luxurious priviliege to think this way, but is that ever worth a couple of hundred dollars.
sheepishly: i think i've rarely felt as uncomplicatedly good about anything as i do about this fingerthing. it is a brilliant reminder of what is going right.
