Friday, April 28, 2006
mood indigo.
i remember getting sad before the monkey was around, and how it was fundamentally different from getting sad while he is around.
i boo-hooed a little last night, for no apparent reason (i've always been heartened by this profile of frances macdormand i read in the new yorker years ago in which she matter-of-factly stated that she cried, on average, at least twice a week, and considered it a perfectly natural practice, not representative of any pathology that needed to be 'healed'). i read a sad story in a magazine. the eight hour banality of a regular workday is having its usual effect. my skin's been bad and i need a real haircut and my clothes and my wearings of them are revealing themselves to be incredibly boring. i feel ploddy and light-years away from the big life change that's rolling down the pike. it's hard to imagine that it's even coming, as i sit here with my dean and deluca cafe au lait surfing the interwebs and living for the weekend.
the good part in all of this--and i'm sorry; i know the blog occasionally becomes a bugle that plays a repetitive song about how great he is--is the monkey smoothing a piece of hair out of my face while he says with incredible tenderness, there is nothing i wouldn't do for you. and i'm not even tempted to say, does that include moving to the west coast? because i know the answer is yes. we're over the bad business. it ended up the way everyone hopes and prays that their rough bumps will resolve: we are even better than we were before.
this morning? still under the blue cloud. but i'm printing out pictures of st. remy to put on the walls of my office corner, and taking daily walks three blocks north past tisch to look in the window at all the students. i'm surely not so much of an extreme weenie that i can't get through the next seventeen--no! sixteen!--days, spend a couple weeks travelling with my family and then radically re-orient towards something more fulfilling.
i'm gradually re-coaxing my optimism into the light. i don't know where it got away to, but if i leave a cupcake out for it, it will probably return to the room.
i boo-hooed a little last night, for no apparent reason (i've always been heartened by this profile of frances macdormand i read in the new yorker years ago in which she matter-of-factly stated that she cried, on average, at least twice a week, and considered it a perfectly natural practice, not representative of any pathology that needed to be 'healed'). i read a sad story in a magazine. the eight hour banality of a regular workday is having its usual effect. my skin's been bad and i need a real haircut and my clothes and my wearings of them are revealing themselves to be incredibly boring. i feel ploddy and light-years away from the big life change that's rolling down the pike. it's hard to imagine that it's even coming, as i sit here with my dean and deluca cafe au lait surfing the interwebs and living for the weekend.
the good part in all of this--and i'm sorry; i know the blog occasionally becomes a bugle that plays a repetitive song about how great he is--is the monkey smoothing a piece of hair out of my face while he says with incredible tenderness, there is nothing i wouldn't do for you. and i'm not even tempted to say, does that include moving to the west coast? because i know the answer is yes. we're over the bad business. it ended up the way everyone hopes and prays that their rough bumps will resolve: we are even better than we were before.
this morning? still under the blue cloud. but i'm printing out pictures of st. remy to put on the walls of my office corner, and taking daily walks three blocks north past tisch to look in the window at all the students. i'm surely not so much of an extreme weenie that i can't get through the next seventeen--no! sixteen!--days, spend a couple weeks travelling with my family and then radically re-orient towards something more fulfilling.
i'm gradually re-coaxing my optimism into the light. i don't know where it got away to, but if i leave a cupcake out for it, it will probably return to the room.
