kerouac says

i just wanted to say, la Ketch did a pretty great job of summing up a lot of my feelings about Doing Something Else For A While. another friend of mine--one who started acting earlier than i did, and who is more successful--recently sent me an email out of the blue that she was bailing on her NYU MFA program audition and taking the LSATs so she could become a legal advocate for immigrants. she said that acting used to lift her up, and now it was holding her back, and she wanted to do something that made her happy and fulfilled. i was blown away, and also comforted: this is something that happens, and it's not failure or quitting. it is, i think, the discretion that is the better part of virtue. you don't get points at the end of your life for how doggedly you stayed with the sinking ship.

i was thinking about how long it took to nurse the decision to step away (frankly, i think some of it was in my head before i even moved here), and how long it was before i could say it out loud, and how now--even though it feels like one of the better things i've ever decided--i still get the deep sads once in a while about how this first great love didn't work out like i thought it would, at least not during this first go-round.

but overall, i feel so relieved that the burden is off, finally/for a while. i'm trying to remember this as the grad school decisions trickle in (and as i fight the giant show anxiety i mentioned below). i'm still in charge, no matter how many people say no thank you.