Friday, December 02, 2005
rotten to the core.
last week the 24-h0urs plays people called the monkey to do one of their shows. those of you who know us know that theatre happenings like this are close to our hearts; that we met at one, actually. he couldn't do it because he was in rehearsal that day for the play he's doing. he was hugely bummed, as i would have been; the 24-h0ur plays are cool. and this time one of them was being written by one of our all-time favorite guys.
he was heart-warmingly nice enough to call the man back and suggest me in his stead. very, very sweet. i honestly thought that might work, but the guy never called back. sad.
except today the monkey's day off got changed for next week and suddenly he's able to do the show. he called the guy back, who had already gotten someone else, but said, hey! it's the 24-h0ur plays! we'll just have an extra guy!
so he's going to do it. and this is a great thing, but, man. it's one thing when he's getting constantly cast in musicals. it's another when he gets our dream job, then can't do it, then suggests me, and the idea is apparently so unattractive that no one even calls him back, although then they proceed to bend over backward to include him at the last minute. they saw both of us at that reading. i'm not an unknown quantity.
i suppose the greatest question is why this somehow makes me angry at him. he actually went way beyond the call to try to help me out on this one. someone else not wanting to call me back isn't his fault, nor is the fact that he went on to do a show with them and made a better, lasting impression.
i guess it's because he's here, and he is the face of win that's around when i feel invisible, and second-rate, and like i've been through the dumb rejection cycle so many times i'm starting to pill and look shabby. not his fault. but i wish he understood that part of my desire to leave this place is to get out of this situation, where the disparity between us is so wide and so constant, where i can't even forget about the incredible string of rejection when home on my couch because it follows me there. i know it's asking him to take himself out of a thing that's working out pretty well, but this just sucks so bad. it really, really sucks.
and i have to find a way to get past the petty crap when something good happens for him, even if i was rejected for the same good fortune. for now, though, maybe it's enough that i'm only venting here and not in our living room.
he was heart-warmingly nice enough to call the man back and suggest me in his stead. very, very sweet. i honestly thought that might work, but the guy never called back. sad.
except today the monkey's day off got changed for next week and suddenly he's able to do the show. he called the guy back, who had already gotten someone else, but said, hey! it's the 24-h0ur plays! we'll just have an extra guy!
so he's going to do it. and this is a great thing, but, man. it's one thing when he's getting constantly cast in musicals. it's another when he gets our dream job, then can't do it, then suggests me, and the idea is apparently so unattractive that no one even calls him back, although then they proceed to bend over backward to include him at the last minute. they saw both of us at that reading. i'm not an unknown quantity.
i suppose the greatest question is why this somehow makes me angry at him. he actually went way beyond the call to try to help me out on this one. someone else not wanting to call me back isn't his fault, nor is the fact that he went on to do a show with them and made a better, lasting impression.
i guess it's because he's here, and he is the face of win that's around when i feel invisible, and second-rate, and like i've been through the dumb rejection cycle so many times i'm starting to pill and look shabby. not his fault. but i wish he understood that part of my desire to leave this place is to get out of this situation, where the disparity between us is so wide and so constant, where i can't even forget about the incredible string of rejection when home on my couch because it follows me there. i know it's asking him to take himself out of a thing that's working out pretty well, but this just sucks so bad. it really, really sucks.
and i have to find a way to get past the petty crap when something good happens for him, even if i was rejected for the same good fortune. for now, though, maybe it's enough that i'm only venting here and not in our living room.
