kerouac says

i'm taking the GRE today.

i took a practice one on sunday and did really well.

i took a practice one last night and felt like an idiot.

why is algebra so hard to reclaim? why have i not made flashcards?

i'm trying not to taunt myself for not studying the math like a replicant. i perhaps could have hit it harder, but: will the Ph.D. people even care about my math score? and: i had other stuff to do, like write essays. and: i did study, some. and that's to be proud of.

tests don't usually scare me, but i'm afraid now. i think it's because any situation that's set up to judge my readiness/appropriateness/deservingness of something i want now feels like an audition, and it's been a year or so since one of those went the way i wanted. nothing's worse than suspecting yourself to be fully capable of discharging the task you crave, but finding that some gatekeeping exercise screened you out before you could really give it a try.

i'm bringing a larabar and some juice.

think good thoughts at 4:30 eastern, if you would.