Wednesday, October 12, 2005
keep dreaming, dreamface.
i woke up in the night thinking, what are you doing?
i'd spent the evening making plans to visit Br0wn to see their theatre/performance studies program, which has quickly claimed my heart and mind. the program sounds perfect. providence, RI, however, sounds like it is not new york, or even a minor regional theatre hub.
i can tell i have some pipe dream going on about the monkey coming with me if i get in. i don't think he's going to do this. i especially don't think he's going to do this if it's providence. chicago, seattle or the bay area might stand a chance, but . . . rhode island?
and as i was lying in bed with a warm form pressed into my hip, i thought: am i crazy? am i smoking something? as if i am going to be able to leave this.
if it's co-dependent to enjoy each other so much that you can't stand to be apart, then i guess we're guilty. i thought, in the night, about how it would be if i had gotten in and was making a plan to move away. i'm afraid i would be miserable. i'm not sure i could settle in to the tough work of grad school with that sort of sadness on board. the last two years haven't been the greatest. i'm ready not to be sad about something.
i am also ready to do something large for myself, to take a risk, and to avoid doing this graduate school thing half-assed. also, it is worth noting that the Br0wn program is very selective and my getting in is not anywhere near a sure thing.
but, man. it's five years of school. maybe slightly less of distance if one does the coursework in residence and then repairs to another city--which sounds sort of crappy, although i know people do it. still, though. years. which is not possible, except maybe it's necessary, which makes it a funny, terrifying beast.
so, i guess, let's not die over this before we have to. but, sigh. i'd have a hard--a virtually impossissary--time choosing to be gone from the wonderful thing that is most of what is best about this life.
i'd spent the evening making plans to visit Br0wn to see their theatre/performance studies program, which has quickly claimed my heart and mind. the program sounds perfect. providence, RI, however, sounds like it is not new york, or even a minor regional theatre hub.
i can tell i have some pipe dream going on about the monkey coming with me if i get in. i don't think he's going to do this. i especially don't think he's going to do this if it's providence. chicago, seattle or the bay area might stand a chance, but . . . rhode island?
and as i was lying in bed with a warm form pressed into my hip, i thought: am i crazy? am i smoking something? as if i am going to be able to leave this.
if it's co-dependent to enjoy each other so much that you can't stand to be apart, then i guess we're guilty. i thought, in the night, about how it would be if i had gotten in and was making a plan to move away. i'm afraid i would be miserable. i'm not sure i could settle in to the tough work of grad school with that sort of sadness on board. the last two years haven't been the greatest. i'm ready not to be sad about something.
i am also ready to do something large for myself, to take a risk, and to avoid doing this graduate school thing half-assed. also, it is worth noting that the Br0wn program is very selective and my getting in is not anywhere near a sure thing.
but, man. it's five years of school. maybe slightly less of distance if one does the coursework in residence and then repairs to another city--which sounds sort of crappy, although i know people do it. still, though. years. which is not possible, except maybe it's necessary, which makes it a funny, terrifying beast.
so, i guess, let's not die over this before we have to. but, sigh. i'd have a hard--a virtually impossissary--time choosing to be gone from the wonderful thing that is most of what is best about this life.
