Friday, October 28, 2005
and how they will celebrate.
so, i can't remember if i mentioned it, but the monkey got cast as b.cratchet in a production of christmas carol, which requires him to spend christmas within, i'd say, about a two hour drive of manhattan. he has shows the afternoon of christmas eve, and they start back the evening of the 26th.
some of you know that my mother and i are unnaturally close. i fully admit this. there is something wrong with us; two adults should not be so co-dependent. my mother has, in the past, sent me hallmark cards with messages of love so strong that they are clearly meant for romantic partners. after i left home she began a collection of dolls that look like me, the most recent of which is a grown up doll who wears lingerie and has the haircut i have always wanted and the doll has no clothes. she sits around in her hose, high heels, camisole and tap pants on my mom's sewing table, and last year at christmas my mom brought her down to show her off and the monkey almost threw up in his mouth.
while i honestly both love and enjoy my mother, there is clearly a lot of guilt going down. it took all the cojones i could muster to move to new york, knowing that she'd be (she is) very sad without me. my mom is not an entirely well person, and when i'm gone, a good part of what goes right with the world seems removed. i know this is not my fault, but that doesn't make it not true. she is a sad aging nice lady, if a little manipulative, and i like for her not to have to be more sad than she has to be.
so, this was a pickle. i decided that i would tell my parents that coming home would mean leaving the monkey to have a lonely apartment christmas by himself, and i couldn't do that, but that they were welcome to come here. and i thought about that, and it sounded like the perfect solution. we could go somewhere slightly upstate, get out of the urban; it would be cozy and the monkey could get away somewhere nice during his 48 hour show break. and we would all be together and no one would miss anyone. a vacation and christmas! chocolate and peanut butter!
except that my parents will not come here for christmas. i don't completely understand why; i know my dad hates cities, but that was what my upstate suggestion was about. he says it is too expensive. odd to me, given that right after they refused the invitation they made plans for a week's vacation in arizona in mid-november. he also says it is too cold. he suggested the spring instead, which is great except that there is no christmas in the spring. (and also, my dad has never come here to see me. i seriously doubt this spring will be different).
also weird is that apparently this is my dad's decision, and my mother, even though i happen to know that she will most likely cry through christmas if i am not there, cannot or doesn't care to sway him.
also infuriating is the fact that they have never had to share me with anyone at christmas, not a boyfriend, not a "the monkey," not the monkey's family, no one. he has come home with me every christmas since the first one, without a peep. apparently, though i am expected to come to the mountain every year, the mountain is not willing to come to louella even once.
so, okay. i balled up, and we're staying here. i would be the worst common-law wife ever if i left him at christmas, so it's going to be me and the monkey in our tiny new apartment with a tiny tree and a tiny roast turkey. i am slightly afraid that the idea of my mom in tears will haunt christmas, but i must be getting older because a good deal of my gut is saying, whatever. i feel for you, but . . . jeebus. a girl can only do so much. have fun being warm and saving money. i guess i'll see you in the spring.
some of you know that my mother and i are unnaturally close. i fully admit this. there is something wrong with us; two adults should not be so co-dependent. my mother has, in the past, sent me hallmark cards with messages of love so strong that they are clearly meant for romantic partners. after i left home she began a collection of dolls that look like me, the most recent of which is a grown up doll who wears lingerie and has the haircut i have always wanted and the doll has no clothes. she sits around in her hose, high heels, camisole and tap pants on my mom's sewing table, and last year at christmas my mom brought her down to show her off and the monkey almost threw up in his mouth.
while i honestly both love and enjoy my mother, there is clearly a lot of guilt going down. it took all the cojones i could muster to move to new york, knowing that she'd be (she is) very sad without me. my mom is not an entirely well person, and when i'm gone, a good part of what goes right with the world seems removed. i know this is not my fault, but that doesn't make it not true. she is a sad aging nice lady, if a little manipulative, and i like for her not to have to be more sad than she has to be.
so, this was a pickle. i decided that i would tell my parents that coming home would mean leaving the monkey to have a lonely apartment christmas by himself, and i couldn't do that, but that they were welcome to come here. and i thought about that, and it sounded like the perfect solution. we could go somewhere slightly upstate, get out of the urban; it would be cozy and the monkey could get away somewhere nice during his 48 hour show break. and we would all be together and no one would miss anyone. a vacation and christmas! chocolate and peanut butter!
except that my parents will not come here for christmas. i don't completely understand why; i know my dad hates cities, but that was what my upstate suggestion was about. he says it is too expensive. odd to me, given that right after they refused the invitation they made plans for a week's vacation in arizona in mid-november. he also says it is too cold. he suggested the spring instead, which is great except that there is no christmas in the spring. (and also, my dad has never come here to see me. i seriously doubt this spring will be different).
also weird is that apparently this is my dad's decision, and my mother, even though i happen to know that she will most likely cry through christmas if i am not there, cannot or doesn't care to sway him.
also infuriating is the fact that they have never had to share me with anyone at christmas, not a boyfriend, not a "the monkey," not the monkey's family, no one. he has come home with me every christmas since the first one, without a peep. apparently, though i am expected to come to the mountain every year, the mountain is not willing to come to louella even once.
so, okay. i balled up, and we're staying here. i would be the worst common-law wife ever if i left him at christmas, so it's going to be me and the monkey in our tiny new apartment with a tiny tree and a tiny roast turkey. i am slightly afraid that the idea of my mom in tears will haunt christmas, but i must be getting older because a good deal of my gut is saying, whatever. i feel for you, but . . . jeebus. a girl can only do so much. have fun being warm and saving money. i guess i'll see you in the spring.
