Monday, September 12, 2005


three years ago today.

last night i got very excited about going to bed at ten with my book. i'd had some healthy food, plus two cookies and some potato chips, i'd watched a small amount of television and done some work. the day itself had been sort of up and down--i'd used the last of a spa gift certificate the monkey gave me last christmas to have a massage. that part was great. when i came home i needed to rehearse a monologue for an audition the next day (today).

and that part didn't go so well. unconfidence abounds. i'm sucking, and i can tell that what would really help is managing to accomplish something encouraging. doing something well. lacking this, i am starting to feel so bad about Doing Acting that i want to put my head in a bucket and sing songs rather than go to another audition that just seems bound to prolong the cycle.

i finally just gave up, and decided what happened today was going to happen. and i crawled into bed, and got a small warm bump of happy at the idea of reading as long as i wanted while lying down somewhere soft.

and i did, but when i turned the light off, the night anxiety came creeping through the bushes to get me. it starts with odd bits of wakefullness just as i'm starting to fall asleep. the monkey will make a breath sound and i'll feel my heart jump as if he'd dropped a brick next to my head. i start to get afraid. and then there isn't any stopping it.

this was a bad one. i started shaking, which hadn't happened before. i took a pill, but it didn't kick in for a bit. i nudged the monkey and told him what was going on, but he didn't fully wake up. he put his arm around me protectively, which was nice, but didn't stop the shaking. and then i conked out when the pill started.

yesterday was the first september eleventh that i haven't remembered what day it was right away. i'd forgotten until i turned the television on and they were reading the names. i listened until i had to leave for the spa, which seemed sort of . . . inappropriate. but i guess i know now how they could fit me in on such short notice. not so much call for aromatherapy wraps on a date that's become a shorthand for horror and destruction.

maybe that was part of the scariness in the night.

this morning i gave the monkey a card i'd made for our third anniversary. i'm still feeling oddly scared, and like i'd rather put my head in a bucket, but i'll go to this audition and do my thing, even if it sucks, and then i will go read stage directions at this reading i couldn't say no to because it's as close as i've come in six months to being in a play, and i will not get to have romantic thai food with my boyfriend, and i will go home tired, and then maybe tomorrow will feel better.


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