Tuesday, September 13, 2005
sweating for no good reason.
if there ever is a time when what i do for money is more closely related to what i love, i will be grateful for the obvious reasons, but also because it is so much work to care this much about two things this different.
or maybe anxiety rather than work. don't get me wrong; i could give a flying crap about testing software. unless it was software that had to do with muppets or tom stoppard or curing cancer. but because i work a job that i am always on the edge of not being experienced enough to do, there is often this low-grade fever of what am i gonna do/i'm gonna get found out going on during business hours. my strong inclination to do as little as possible for The Man exacerbates this malaise when it hits, because honestly, my desire to increase my knowledge and mastery of this industry is nil. and then i double-time it, motivated by fear rather than any wish to excel at improving a product that exists only to make money for businesstypes and adds literally no value to my community or anyone else's. except, i guess, for the bosses whose hot tubs in the hamptons it pays for.
so on one hand: dayjob can suck it. on the other hand, like everyone: i need it. so when i feel like i'm in over my head and i'm tap dancing as fast as i can and my sloth may have finally caught up with me AND my "art" or "career" or whatever is careening down Shit Street . . .
a majority of the day is stress rather than satisfaction. in both ends of life i feel like i'm wearing a miss america sash that reads, i'm not capable! at least i'm relatively well-paid and i can leave this part here at six pee em. and go home and tap dance to an entirely different tune.
or maybe anxiety rather than work. don't get me wrong; i could give a flying crap about testing software. unless it was software that had to do with muppets or tom stoppard or curing cancer. but because i work a job that i am always on the edge of not being experienced enough to do, there is often this low-grade fever of what am i gonna do/i'm gonna get found out going on during business hours. my strong inclination to do as little as possible for The Man exacerbates this malaise when it hits, because honestly, my desire to increase my knowledge and mastery of this industry is nil. and then i double-time it, motivated by fear rather than any wish to excel at improving a product that exists only to make money for businesstypes and adds literally no value to my community or anyone else's. except, i guess, for the bosses whose hot tubs in the hamptons it pays for.
so on one hand: dayjob can suck it. on the other hand, like everyone: i need it. so when i feel like i'm in over my head and i'm tap dancing as fast as i can and my sloth may have finally caught up with me AND my "art" or "career" or whatever is careening down Shit Street . . .
a majority of the day is stress rather than satisfaction. in both ends of life i feel like i'm wearing a miss america sash that reads, i'm not capable! at least i'm relatively well-paid and i can leave this part here at six pee em. and go home and tap dance to an entirely different tune.
