Wednesday, September 14, 2005
suckered. sucking.
i let myself get got. i had what i thought was a relatively successful first audition for a (crappy showcase of) a play i love, and then i was out with a friend when my phone rang the night before the callback, the night of the last day of initial auditions.
i really thought it was them.
it totally was a hangup, and the voice mail was just the sound of a cradled receiver and phone tone.
not a big deal, but i feel particularly bad about it when i let my guard down. it's surprising how much i thought it mattered.
i talked with the friend last night about a potential move to an academic graduate program. she advised (appropriately) caution; which is fine, i just . . . gah. this decision is not getting made, and i'm starting to feel like it's just a lose-lose. a year away from auditioning and a move towards something else is not giving up on the dream, but it is sort of writing off new york, because if i thought it was going to work or i would progress appreciably, i wouldn't bow out for a year.
on the other hand, if i don't go and then spend the next calendar year like the last two, i will feel like a chump. even if, yeah, i don't know exactly why this master's degree is a good idea or what i really want or any of that. i don't want to make a dumb decision, but some days a perpetuation of the staus quo seems like as dumb as dumb gets.
crap.
i really thought it was them.
it totally was a hangup, and the voice mail was just the sound of a cradled receiver and phone tone.
not a big deal, but i feel particularly bad about it when i let my guard down. it's surprising how much i thought it mattered.
i talked with the friend last night about a potential move to an academic graduate program. she advised (appropriately) caution; which is fine, i just . . . gah. this decision is not getting made, and i'm starting to feel like it's just a lose-lose. a year away from auditioning and a move towards something else is not giving up on the dream, but it is sort of writing off new york, because if i thought it was going to work or i would progress appreciably, i wouldn't bow out for a year.
on the other hand, if i don't go and then spend the next calendar year like the last two, i will feel like a chump. even if, yeah, i don't know exactly why this master's degree is a good idea or what i really want or any of that. i don't want to make a dumb decision, but some days a perpetuation of the staus quo seems like as dumb as dumb gets.
crap.
