Friday, October 15, 2004


i'll wear it in the panic ballet.

not a full night's sleep in a week, but last night included a special anxiety seizure at no extra charge.

part of it had to do with this terribly disturbing dream i had, in which i was a guest somewhere, and my host had a pet ladybug, roughly the size of a hockey puck. the ladybug was actually a crab, and hated me, with a personal and vitriolic hatred. and while i bore no pre-existing animosity towards the bug, i jumped into return hatred with gusto. i went out of my way to the cruelest, most horrible things to it. and it licked me in this terrible, suggestive, abusive way. and i wanted to kill it. in a natural-born, joy-of-killing way. totally unlike me, and so scary i wanted to take my skin off.

i woke up feeling awful, mind racing, suddenly terribly sure that the monkey and i had had a couple of good years but that the rash of intemperate arguments since he left for st. louis was the first sign of our doom, that our roman empire was falling. a couple of good years. if i thought that were true in the cold light of day, i'd be in a room alone doing some terrible, terrible drugs.

so i picked up my tutu at the tutu place this morning, and it made me feel a little better. the world outside was full of human things, and i don't think ladybugcrabs really exist.


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