Thursday, October 07, 2004



first, i was going mention that i ran into this guy for the first time since our fateful first meeting. i stared at him as he approached, trying to figure out where i knew him from. we were walking down our street on the way to the one nice restaurant in the neighborhood for some sushi. i punched the monkey and said, that's the guy who shoved me into the train, and the monkey turned around and yelled viciously, "it's a pleasure to meet you!" and the guy cluelessly smiled and said thank you. i think he is a crazy man.

and then this friend of mine from high school died. we weren't close--we weren't really friends so much as people who knew each other, but he was my nominal first high school boyfriend, from those very early ninth grade days when "going out" means saying you're going out rather than actually going anywhere. it lasted five days. he's dead now, and he was a really smart guy, and crazy funny, and he had a hard, hard time of it. i'm a lot sadder than i would have thought. i think he shouldn't be dead, and certainly not at twenty seven, and definitely not because he jumped off a bridge, and you can say whatever you want about all the drugs he took, but i don't really think that was the root of the problem.

the thing of it is, back then, when we were all in the same place, i don't think many of us realized how densely complicated it was all going to get, how difficult, and how tired we would get sometimes, and colin sort of figured it out first. and now that it *is* more complicated . . . i don't know. i feel like he went before us. scout. pioneer. and that makes me scared about where the rest of us are off to, and what will happen to us if it all lands like a load of bricks on us. and this is all very melodramatic, but. poor, sweet boyo. i wish you still lived here, but i hope your heart feels better.


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