Friday, July 09, 2004
somehow, it escapes me.
the monkey had been feeling clingy about his upcoming significant absence. i sort of suggested--kindly, i thought--that he buck up.
here's the thing: i had completely forgotten when he was due to leave. it's an almost laughable example of denial: i've asked him dozens of times what day he buses out but can never recall the date, when i did write it down it was on a calendar that i know i never see. and so when he dropped the bomb on wednesday that he was leaving in a week (for what is, essentially, a twelve-week absence, an entire semester), it hit me like the news was brand new and out of the blue.
and to top it off, once i was blasted with the info that i'd so successfully kept from myself, he sort of . . . cooled. turns out it wasn't really spending time with me that he craved so much, but rather attention to the fact that he was leaving. in other words, it's not the separation, so much; it's that i wasn't concerned about it.
except now i am. and now that i am, and he's not so much, i feel dreadfully unwanted. last night, one of the few nights left, i came home after only a few hours with the best one in order to soak him up a bit more, and he went a-customizeable card game playing online rather than a-cuddling in our sweet, large bed. i left the decision up to him, so i should have been prepared for him to choose other than me, but it stung. especially since i had, ahem, mentioned the possibility of sweet loving, something we will not be doing a great deal of in the next semester. it reminded me of this terrible moment with my loser live-in boyfriend in san francisco when he chose the playstation 2 over my earlobe nibbles.
anyway. he's leaving. and i hurt about it. partially because this place in the summer is even more of not what i want than it is in more temperate weather, and partially because making a life with him is by far the best thing about new york and now that'll be on hold for just long enough for me possibly to lose momentum and hate this place, and partially because his long absence is due to the thing that's missing the most from my own life here: being in plays.
with that missing, and him missing, too, the dog days may turn out to be a real bitch.
here's the thing: i had completely forgotten when he was due to leave. it's an almost laughable example of denial: i've asked him dozens of times what day he buses out but can never recall the date, when i did write it down it was on a calendar that i know i never see. and so when he dropped the bomb on wednesday that he was leaving in a week (for what is, essentially, a twelve-week absence, an entire semester), it hit me like the news was brand new and out of the blue.
and to top it off, once i was blasted with the info that i'd so successfully kept from myself, he sort of . . . cooled. turns out it wasn't really spending time with me that he craved so much, but rather attention to the fact that he was leaving. in other words, it's not the separation, so much; it's that i wasn't concerned about it.
except now i am. and now that i am, and he's not so much, i feel dreadfully unwanted. last night, one of the few nights left, i came home after only a few hours with the best one in order to soak him up a bit more, and he went a-customizeable card game playing online rather than a-cuddling in our sweet, large bed. i left the decision up to him, so i should have been prepared for him to choose other than me, but it stung. especially since i had, ahem, mentioned the possibility of sweet loving, something we will not be doing a great deal of in the next semester. it reminded me of this terrible moment with my loser live-in boyfriend in san francisco when he chose the playstation 2 over my earlobe nibbles.
anyway. he's leaving. and i hurt about it. partially because this place in the summer is even more of not what i want than it is in more temperate weather, and partially because making a life with him is by far the best thing about new york and now that'll be on hold for just long enough for me possibly to lose momentum and hate this place, and partially because his long absence is due to the thing that's missing the most from my own life here: being in plays.
with that missing, and him missing, too, the dog days may turn out to be a real bitch.
