Tuesday, May 11, 2004


back to one.

sometimes it's the times when i try the hardest to be my actual self that i end up most disappointed by what i've done.

we had a hard conversation tonight, and i think it was made the harder by my trying to say honestly and at least sort of gently what was worrying me. i always think that's a good idea, in theory, but in practice i end up feeling like i've thrown a flounder into what could have been an otherwise happy evening.

the things that bug me really bug me, and i want to talk about them. it's just that when it's time to talk about them, i feel like crap. worse: i feel responsible, like i'm the one who rocked the boat and that the monkey must think of me as some sort of television housewife he needs hard drink to get away from. some days, i swear to god, i just am incapable of handling *anything* with an iota of aplomb.


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