Monday, March 15, 2004
it happened again last night--strange, bolt-awake anxiety in the wee hours. it lasts for about two hours, and then i get a small catnap before the alarm goes off at 6:30. it's gross, though. i lie there getting alternately flushed and chilly and search my brain for something that will work. last night i tried all my good old acting school breathing (a counselor at the school had said, "you know, it's physically impossible to be anxious when you're breathing," to which i say, "bullshit"), a sort of home-grown self-hypnosis, and finally just a frantic search for any topic that might occupy my sleepless brain and be inert enough to stop the anxiety from getting worse. in desperation, i tried to think of the particulars of the pizza we made last night for dinner, thinking nothing was safer than cheese, only to find that it caused me to go down a few more levels into the worry. for crissakes. even pizza.