kerouac says

today, the man on the train who looked like a nice man put his hand on my back and shoved me, hard, into the too-crowded train, and then when i asked him what he was doing, dressed me down for five minutes in a loud, nasty, ego-filled voice in front of a train-ful of commuters fleeing queens. he pretty much covered everything--how i was dressed, who i looked like, how stupid i was to continue staring at him (i was staring, actually, wide-eyed, trying to figure out where his off switch was), my evident overall cow-like quality, the fact that i was listening to music on little ear phones, my apparently dumb-looking hat. i wish i had known what to say or do to shut him down, but any effort i made just fanned his flames. there was nowhere to go so eventually i told him he was truly an asshole and looked away.

no one said anything. maybe no one spoke much english but us. but in any case, there was not a rally of concerned and sympathetic train riders yelling "leave her alone!" and pelting the blackguard with shoes. there were just a lot of people watching me cry standing up, clinging to a pole. when people starting getting off and there were finally seats, i didn't even really want to sit down, so i stood there dripping and defeated all the way to times square.

this job makes me unhappy, and i'm not sure what to do about it. this morning made me miserable and frightened and sort of ashamed, and i don't know what to do about that either. i kind of feel like the shittiness that's surrounding right now might be semi-permanent.