Wednesday, January 14, 2004
about last night.
boo howdy. i used up half a box of tissue.
it felt good to spit it out, and be the weepy that i wanted to be after yesterday. i was suprised how comforted i felt to be at home and with the monkey, who held me and held me and sometimes told jokes and sometimes passed the kleenex box and treated me like nothing i was saying was crazy. being comforted--and i mean having it work, having someone try to comfort you and it actually making things better--is a marvellous feeling.
what made me so distressed was this terrible feeling i had at the job all day: that i wanted to get up immediately and run away and never come back. i knew getting some office job wasn't going to be a laugh a minute, but yesterday my gut kept telling me this was the wrong job, i was always going to hate it, and i needed to leave. the gut was very insistent, and i kept getting wet-eyed all day--i even emailed the one who's least afraid because i was worried i was freaking out.
after being talked down, i have to assume that much of the freakout was caused by weirdness on the train that morning. but i also wonder how much of my gut was right that i don't want to be at this particular desk in new york. it's hard to explain what's so bad about this job, but it's partly that there are only four people in the office, none of them my gender or age or general sensibility. i listen to someone make sales pitch calls all day. it's higher paying than a straight receptionist job would be, but it requires more investment than i thought--the process left behind by the last guy doesn't work, and there's a lot of information to process and reorganize.
i want down time. i want like-minded office people--at least ones who like to laugh and go get coffee and could loan me a tampon. i'm also worried there might not be a lot of flexibility. i want to be able to audition and take lunch breaks. maybe join a gym and move my body for an hour in the middle of the day. no one seems to take lunch here. there's also the mess. it's very messy, crap is everywhere--papers and stacks and mail and odd parts of computers--and the mess was not ameliorated by the pipes bursting last weekend. now everything is wet and cold and smells like old dog. also, the intern who works here? lives on the couch.
then again, maybe this job isn't so bad. i'm here this morning and i haven't freaked out yet. but yesterday, while i was feeling like MUST GET OUT, i emailed a post-production studio who was looking for a receptionist last week. they were interested in meeting me, but i'd just been offered this job. i'm going out there on my (hope i get one) lunch break to say hello. and i'll see what it feels like. they have a hip website and edit commercials with dave chapelle in them. they want someone who wears cool shoes. i would get my own brand new imac to work on. they are industry connected. it could be better.
i don't know what i'm doing. maybe wimping out, maybe contemplating trading a well-paying crap job for a lower-paying one, in the hopes it will feel better, which may or may not be true. maybe screwing over these nice people who hired me in good faith to work their crappy job. maybe proving i don't have the wherewithal to stick to something that needs doing. i'm confused. weigh in, if you care to.
it felt good to spit it out, and be the weepy that i wanted to be after yesterday. i was suprised how comforted i felt to be at home and with the monkey, who held me and held me and sometimes told jokes and sometimes passed the kleenex box and treated me like nothing i was saying was crazy. being comforted--and i mean having it work, having someone try to comfort you and it actually making things better--is a marvellous feeling.
what made me so distressed was this terrible feeling i had at the job all day: that i wanted to get up immediately and run away and never come back. i knew getting some office job wasn't going to be a laugh a minute, but yesterday my gut kept telling me this was the wrong job, i was always going to hate it, and i needed to leave. the gut was very insistent, and i kept getting wet-eyed all day--i even emailed the one who's least afraid because i was worried i was freaking out.
after being talked down, i have to assume that much of the freakout was caused by weirdness on the train that morning. but i also wonder how much of my gut was right that i don't want to be at this particular desk in new york. it's hard to explain what's so bad about this job, but it's partly that there are only four people in the office, none of them my gender or age or general sensibility. i listen to someone make sales pitch calls all day. it's higher paying than a straight receptionist job would be, but it requires more investment than i thought--the process left behind by the last guy doesn't work, and there's a lot of information to process and reorganize.
i want down time. i want like-minded office people--at least ones who like to laugh and go get coffee and could loan me a tampon. i'm also worried there might not be a lot of flexibility. i want to be able to audition and take lunch breaks. maybe join a gym and move my body for an hour in the middle of the day. no one seems to take lunch here. there's also the mess. it's very messy, crap is everywhere--papers and stacks and mail and odd parts of computers--and the mess was not ameliorated by the pipes bursting last weekend. now everything is wet and cold and smells like old dog. also, the intern who works here? lives on the couch.
then again, maybe this job isn't so bad. i'm here this morning and i haven't freaked out yet. but yesterday, while i was feeling like MUST GET OUT, i emailed a post-production studio who was looking for a receptionist last week. they were interested in meeting me, but i'd just been offered this job. i'm going out there on my (hope i get one) lunch break to say hello. and i'll see what it feels like. they have a hip website and edit commercials with dave chapelle in them. they want someone who wears cool shoes. i would get my own brand new imac to work on. they are industry connected. it could be better.
i don't know what i'm doing. maybe wimping out, maybe contemplating trading a well-paying crap job for a lower-paying one, in the hopes it will feel better, which may or may not be true. maybe screwing over these nice people who hired me in good faith to work their crappy job. maybe proving i don't have the wherewithal to stick to something that needs doing. i'm confused. weigh in, if you care to.
