Tuesday, August 19, 2003
you know, i'm tired.
i'm a little weary of being the reasonableness machine, although no one asked me to. and of performing for no one, and of not getting compliments (dumb) and of not getting paid (dumber, since i knew that one was coming) and of being so dependent, and of not having clean clothes or a bath.
the monkey's having a hard time of it, too, and i'm aghast to find myself with limited compassion for the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that he thinks are trained on him. i hate for him to feel bad, and that's the truth, but some of the land we're navigating is a place where we feel very differently about our rights and privileges, what's owed to us, our place in the hegemony . . . perhaps it's healthier to take umbrage openly when you feel wronged, but coming from a grassroots place as i do, i watch in wonder as others seem to think that the stinky parts of this experience are personal affronts.
i worry, someday, that it'll be me who's not showing the appropriate deference, and then won't we have trouble.
but mostly i'm just tired. mom's tests come back today, and i'm frightened and weary and tired and very, very apprehensive.
i'm a little weary of being the reasonableness machine, although no one asked me to. and of performing for no one, and of not getting compliments (dumb) and of not getting paid (dumber, since i knew that one was coming) and of being so dependent, and of not having clean clothes or a bath.
the monkey's having a hard time of it, too, and i'm aghast to find myself with limited compassion for the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that he thinks are trained on him. i hate for him to feel bad, and that's the truth, but some of the land we're navigating is a place where we feel very differently about our rights and privileges, what's owed to us, our place in the hegemony . . . perhaps it's healthier to take umbrage openly when you feel wronged, but coming from a grassroots place as i do, i watch in wonder as others seem to think that the stinky parts of this experience are personal affronts.
i worry, someday, that it'll be me who's not showing the appropriate deference, and then won't we have trouble.
but mostly i'm just tired. mom's tests come back today, and i'm frightened and weary and tired and very, very apprehensive.
