Wednesday, May 28, 2003

 
when i was home on memorial day, the paper report from the second CT scan came in the mail. it was the same info mom had gotten on the phone, but you know how they send you the form anyway. it was unexpectedly reassuring to see a check next to the box that read, "Probably Not Cancer" in black and white. very much so.

one of my cats is so pretty. she looks like michelle pfeifer. there's an actual resemblance, kind of like how george bush fils looks like a chimp.

i've articulated a couple of times that i feel like i'm done dating. (at mother's day brunch, my mother asked if i was going to move into the monkey's apartment or get my own. i announced we were shacking up. my father was reading his menu. my mother said in a tired voice that she was disappointed, but she supposed it was "to be expected." i supressed the urge to say, disappointed! i find a love worth living with and you're *disappointed*! then she asked, so, what do you think is going to happen? i know what that means. so i said, tersely, not the way i wanted to, that i felt like i was done. actually, i used the M word, which i'm having trouble typing here.)

anyway. i hope that isn't tempting fate. i can just see me traipsing all over town, believing and sometimes intimating that i'm hanging up my shoes and then . . . god, i don't know. i know what this is and what i feel and all, but until it's decided it's not decided and the world is full of people who thought they knew what they were getting into and i hope i'm not a fool for feeling like i do.

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