Monday, May 19, 2003
i went to my new writers' group and wrote a few pages about my mother's life before i was born. the leader quoted annie dillard at me: "don't save the good stuff."
i wonder at how alone i am, right now, and how okay it feels. there were times when my not seeing so many people would have been a sign of, howyousay, regression into a slimy grey disease, but . . . i think maybe i'm just done here. there are bits i know i'll miss, it's just . . . i guess i'm done.
i heard the monkey talk to me on the phone today, and i played a small game. i imagined he was talking to someone else and how my heart would curl up to hear another person have such a devoted fan, a puppy lover, a full-time lover, and actor in suede pirate pants who leaps up on bars and brings paper sacks to the airport full of salt bagels and orange juice. jesus god. all i could think, suddenly, was . . . my crankiness, my testiness, my inappropriate rules, my vagaries, my hardness, how he only ten percent of the time gets the top ten percent of me, my non-desert of this stainless steel love.
it's an amazing thing.
i wonder at how alone i am, right now, and how okay it feels. there were times when my not seeing so many people would have been a sign of, howyousay, regression into a slimy grey disease, but . . . i think maybe i'm just done here. there are bits i know i'll miss, it's just . . . i guess i'm done.
i heard the monkey talk to me on the phone today, and i played a small game. i imagined he was talking to someone else and how my heart would curl up to hear another person have such a devoted fan, a puppy lover, a full-time lover, and actor in suede pirate pants who leaps up on bars and brings paper sacks to the airport full of salt bagels and orange juice. jesus god. all i could think, suddenly, was . . . my crankiness, my testiness, my inappropriate rules, my vagaries, my hardness, how he only ten percent of the time gets the top ten percent of me, my non-desert of this stainless steel love.
it's an amazing thing.
