Tuesday, April 01, 2003
so, back when the monkey moved to the big city, i realized we were in for some time apart. i didn't think that was such a fun thing, especially with us being pretty new and all, but i also knew that leaving town was a very, very important thing to him--his desire to live somewhere else was the first ostensible, articulated reason for his divorce and became kind of a figurehead for everything that wasn't right back here. plus, nothing says "on your own now" faster than having to manage moving your life to new york all by yourself. and as for me, i had shit to do back here, and i hadn't been planning to move to new york until the summer anyway, and a small voice was saying maybe it's okay to give this a little time. i figured it would be best for both of us if we knew he had successfully navigated life on his own and wasn't hopping from divorce decree to a dumb-looking dependence on a new love.
then he left, and i realized that for all the good-on-paper-ness of us having a little time to test all these feelings, it was also not completely necessary. this wasn't the minor kind of feeling that warrants best caution. this was the best kind of thing that warrants smarts, bravery and common sense. i realized that the time apart we were in for might cause a whole lot of sadness, and might be its own pressure on things. then i got cast in something back here, which meant the time apart was definitely real. then i got cast in another thing back here, and the time apart almost doubled. both jobs were too good to say no to; one was even kind of a once-in-a-lifetime deal. so i said yes, but i felt extremely bad about being the person who pushed off the date we'd be together again. seven months is a lot more than four, especially when it's dawning on you that while you are both perfectly capable of living on your own, it does not hold a fucking candle to being together. i wondered, which is really smarter? always being on the tiptoe side of sensible, or realizing what's worth breaking the rules for?
still. the heart knew it was wrong to say no to good work. so we kept it up, and the monkey gave me pep talks about how seven months wasn't that long. i was struck by two apparently opposite but equally valid truths: it was wrong to give up the jobs, and also wrong to spend seven months apart. conundrum.
two days ago, the monkey made the sound of one hand clapping. today, he was cast in my once-in-a-lifetime project--meaning the incredible opportunity is happening for him, too, and also that the seven months apart is shrunk back to four. this is a first for me: do what you think is right, even when it's hard enough that it seems it might be wrong, and . . . somehow, the opposites come together. it probably doesn't work this way all the time, but for now, i'm stunned. it's a distinctly wonderful precedent.
if you're in scotland in august, look out. we're coming.
then he left, and i realized that for all the good-on-paper-ness of us having a little time to test all these feelings, it was also not completely necessary. this wasn't the minor kind of feeling that warrants best caution. this was the best kind of thing that warrants smarts, bravery and common sense. i realized that the time apart we were in for might cause a whole lot of sadness, and might be its own pressure on things. then i got cast in something back here, which meant the time apart was definitely real. then i got cast in another thing back here, and the time apart almost doubled. both jobs were too good to say no to; one was even kind of a once-in-a-lifetime deal. so i said yes, but i felt extremely bad about being the person who pushed off the date we'd be together again. seven months is a lot more than four, especially when it's dawning on you that while you are both perfectly capable of living on your own, it does not hold a fucking candle to being together. i wondered, which is really smarter? always being on the tiptoe side of sensible, or realizing what's worth breaking the rules for?
still. the heart knew it was wrong to say no to good work. so we kept it up, and the monkey gave me pep talks about how seven months wasn't that long. i was struck by two apparently opposite but equally valid truths: it was wrong to give up the jobs, and also wrong to spend seven months apart. conundrum.
two days ago, the monkey made the sound of one hand clapping. today, he was cast in my once-in-a-lifetime project--meaning the incredible opportunity is happening for him, too, and also that the seven months apart is shrunk back to four. this is a first for me: do what you think is right, even when it's hard enough that it seems it might be wrong, and . . . somehow, the opposites come together. it probably doesn't work this way all the time, but for now, i'm stunned. it's a distinctly wonderful precedent.
if you're in scotland in august, look out. we're coming.
