Monday, March 10, 2003
so, i felt inferior and it turned me into this bitter crabling in front of people i liked. i don't know what it is--rather, i don't know *who* it is, the person who shows up when all my confidence scrambles underneath a far off rock. i wish i were better at heading it off at the pass.
on the other hand, it's depressing when you show up somewhere where you kind of already feel unwanted, but you're game, and then a handful of people you haven't seen in a while tell you they thought you had moved away. maybe i took some time out, but i was not under the radar that long, or that deep. and when they ask what you've been doing, and you shuffle through the past months for things that are acceptable answers to that question, and you come up with nothing? you know you have been doing more than nothing. most importantly, even though you have often been kind of a barnacle (and are turning back into one in the present moment because people seem to have erased you from your circle when you sat out a few dances), you are now and have been for months demonstrably happy, and instead of people getting to observe your newfound joy, they get to see you become yourself at seventeen. blech.
not one person asked me about the monkey. and not once when someone said, "so what have you been doing?" did i say, falling in love. or something . . . happy. blech.
on the other hand, it's depressing when you show up somewhere where you kind of already feel unwanted, but you're game, and then a handful of people you haven't seen in a while tell you they thought you had moved away. maybe i took some time out, but i was not under the radar that long, or that deep. and when they ask what you've been doing, and you shuffle through the past months for things that are acceptable answers to that question, and you come up with nothing? you know you have been doing more than nothing. most importantly, even though you have often been kind of a barnacle (and are turning back into one in the present moment because people seem to have erased you from your circle when you sat out a few dances), you are now and have been for months demonstrably happy, and instead of people getting to observe your newfound joy, they get to see you become yourself at seventeen. blech.
not one person asked me about the monkey. and not once when someone said, "so what have you been doing?" did i say, falling in love. or something . . . happy. blech.
