tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41195742011-12-31T13:03:57.995-05:00jack kerouac said, you're a genius all the time. me, i'm sometimes unconvinced.l.noreply@blogger.comBlogger7931100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-77152217332883155332011-12-31T12:55:00.003-05:002011-12-31T13:03:58.008-05:00

you are shocked. I KNOW.a chapter due at the end of the month, which is now, which could not be more . . . more specifically now, on new year's eve. i thought this would clear my head.there were a couple of days in which it was pleasurable, the writing. i'm holding onto those, or at least trying not to forget. and gently reminding that that's what it's like when you work regularly, when the

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-65231868302593377232011-11-12T12:59:00.003-05:002011-11-12T13:06:47.024-05:00

some other day, when this is a long time ago, i'm going to think of it sometimes, especially if i need to feel good. because right now is so humbling, so overwhelmingly humbling, that i think to look back on it later, at least after a while, will make me smile the never again smile. i never have to do this again.the scariest is the thought that i am positing an after that won't really exist,

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-45388026963145190322011-10-13T12:09:00.002-04:002011-10-13T12:15:19.579-04:00

i was feeling perfectly fine this morning. tired. whatever. excited to get to the coffee shop and eat a pain au chocolat (new leaf, yes. skipping pastry, no). and in my morning scan of internet offerings, i found a friend of mine interviewed about being a mom.why am i so convinced that other people are having more fun than i am? when i hear stories about people investing in themselves and

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-59843657593934236392011-10-11T00:24:00.002-04:002011-10-11T00:34:51.137-04:00

there's a backdated post coming about the very latest hey-wait-now-it's-different. (preview, which will be a post view: fourteen months! is when the baby became a kid. all kid. what a kid.) i'll write it soon, but this one is burning a bigger hole in a more important pocket.i've been drinking a lot in the evenings. this happens sometimes; it's happened other sometimes, and i've never been

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-80795019267645490562011-06-22T15:29:00.001-04:002011-07-18T15:31:57.559-04:00

dear buddy,oh, the self-hatred i have over not having taken better notes on your infancy. see how i did that, right there? started out something that's meant to be about you and made it about my insecurity?back to one. dear buddy,you have been changing so much recently. they're joyful changes; i feel like you're becoming more vested in yourself, coming into your personhood more each week. you

l.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-74364611740899416972011-05-22T01:01:00.002-04:002011-05-22T01:10:43.431-04:00

the crime of not having written, miles. the crime.mostly because you're a different baby so often, that i'm afraid there's one i'll forget. Teething Biscuit Zombie Baby. Beer Bottle Wanting Baby. Bruise Head Baby. Baby Who Can Clap on Demand And Blow Raspberries.somehow, you have become a child. somewhere among nine months, it's like you became fully vested. i don't have time to make this

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-25036847196433221612011-04-12T15:22:00.000-04:002011-07-18T15:29:10.725-04:00

[i sketched this into a notebook during a boring Theater 101 lecture on the post date; just typing it in months later.]it's hard to keep up with you. god knows how many different babies have come and gone while i'm trying to make time to write. i keep thinking, now you're turning into a kid. no, now! okay, but now for real!it's true. in the last three weeks it's been harder to see you as a

l.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-23388256992837164172011-03-08T00:44:00.002-05:002011-03-08T00:47:20.013-05:00

dear baby, you are amazing, now let's talk about me and why i can't relax.what is UP? is it the baby? what was it before the baby, because this is an old, old problem. why am i constantly terrified that something is wrong? except low level terrified, threat level magenta or . . . brown, whatever is the mild to moderate chronic threat that leaves you always thinking: well, it will all be fine

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-57273100459522333192011-02-10T00:54:00.002-05:002011-02-10T01:06:27.735-05:00

oh, baby. i am so bewitched by you.you should see you! you are a firecracker. you could make a statue giggle. you've been getting a little more sleep, and your even-keeled, friendly personality has erupted into: happiest planet baby ever. it is unreal. i dare you, later when you can appreciate it, to see it. except you won't, and i will just be that lady who says it all the time.i'm

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-47942431799883493792011-01-16T13:28:00.003-05:002011-01-16T13:43:15.115-05:00

i think i'm getting past the part where i can never articulate it, and trying to do feels like distance, like i'm trying to organize the inchoate and in so doing make it less, make it normal, and it is way better than normal.now, it feels more like: you are a kid. and there are parts of this i want like mad to remember. you have started laughing in a whole new way. all of you is involved.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-72206025511999332962011-01-09T00:53:00.003-05:002011-01-09T01:11:23.271-05:00

oh, baby.i put this off because i'm having such a wonderful time living with you in the moment, whatever that means. for once, i feel like maybe i don't need to transform everything immediately into a narrative.still, though, how will i remember some of this if i don't make notes? that you are great company. you tiny person, with your one-eighth tooth and your saucy, joyful grin. you have

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-33504058455283190302010-10-22T23:30:00.003-04:002010-10-22T23:53:25.026-04:00

i missed the three month post. i think because i was in the thick of it. the last couple months haven't been the easiest. i went back to work--such as it is--at three months, and it was maybe a little early. the mom thing is hard, but doable with its ups and downs so long as there isn't something else impossible and necessary you're supposed to be doing at the same time. there's another

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-43317090344225345232010-08-29T00:20:00.002-04:002010-08-29T00:52:24.610-04:00

you are two months old this week. the day crept up on me, a little. while we still have things in the fridge that are older than you, it seems impossible that two short months ago, you didn't really exist. you were some weird alien i was kind of tired of carrying around in my abdomen.you are letting loose with more smiles and coos every day. that's why they call this part the beginning of

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-57724183858786407662010-08-17T23:07:00.002-04:002010-08-17T23:22:49.124-04:00

just write something, already. jeez. you'd think it was a dissertation.sometimes i feel like there's nothing to write down except all of it--like the borges map of the world as big as the world, that that's the only map of this that will make sense. maybe i need bullet points. maybe that would relieve the onus.item: the boy laughed for the first time tonight, not counting the

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-18276021859904859942010-07-28T13:19:00.003-04:002010-07-28T14:28:40.486-04:00

miles, you are one month old--as of a couple of days ago. you spent part of the day at the pediatrician's, where we learned that you are still in the 75th percentile for both height and weight, now that you're over ten pounds and twenty-two inches long.also we have learned: the incredible charm of your crooked smile, which i didn't realize was your dad's until i started seeing it on his face.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-25211998414657275452010-06-12T22:07:00.003-04:002010-06-12T22:14:32.664-04:00

(i'm singing the song in my head.)i know we should be patient; it's not even the due date yet. i know i should be doing some of the stuff that needs doing; we're about to get crazy busy. it's irresponsible, really. the emotional component of this is just as ambiguous as the physical one. i can tell i want the next exciting thing to happen, but there's no way we're actually ready, so . . .

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-35147417012679994962010-05-27T19:49:00.003-04:002010-05-27T20:14:48.532-04:00

dear baby,the best one calls you Mr. Baby. she's hoping you arrive on the soonish side, now that you're officially term, so that there's a better chance of my--and your--being mobile in enough time to fly to her wedding. if you feel like complying, we would really like to attend, but we know these things are tricky. do as you feel is best.you freaked me out yesterday. after not moving around

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-41542176683564736252010-05-19T18:37:00.002-04:002010-05-19T18:46:46.074-04:00

when the one who's least afraid and some other girls and i were crossing the border from spain to france one day, the border guard guy--who hadn't even looked at my brand new passport, to my disgust--called out, attention! attention! as i walked by. i got all excited; something was happening. then he said, "your shoe!" which was untied. that was the border skirmish: an untied shoelace.third

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-48925236866684183952010-05-12T18:27:00.001-04:002010-05-19T18:37:48.769-04:00

i know, i stopped posting. which is a sin, given this Really Meaningful Thing i'm doing has been progressing and changing and getting different. the documentation has not kept up. mea culpa.maybe that's part of it, though. this whole thing is so overwhelming that occasionally i don't feel up to talking about it. people keep asking me, excitedly, "how do you feeeel?" and then seem kind of

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-66791466402059496622010-04-01T21:29:00.002-04:002010-04-01T21:57:24.239-04:00

there was the hit and run accident, and then the mysterious water leak in the new york apartment. fifteen hundred bucks in insurance deductibles, woosh. and i know we're lucky, we're lucky to have a new york apartment (though it's hardly a pied-a-terre; there's a renter in there covering the mortgage while we scrape together our rent for student housing) and that's what insurance is for. less

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-21854579538566310142010-03-30T15:24:00.000-04:002010-04-01T21:29:51.503-04:00

one day, a few weeks ago, i woke up with the most charming memory in my head. i was very specifically remembering this moment, at my twenty-sixth birthday party, when the monkey had entered the room (the packed, packed little room--most days i'm quite sure i'll never fill a room that way again) but gotten stuck in conversation about three feet from where i was stuck in a conversation. i

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-60847549832610964202010-03-12T01:04:00.003-05:002010-03-12T01:19:53.273-05:00

one, it really feels like he's yanking on stuff, sometimes. i feel like there's no way that's happening, but it really feels . . . yanky. like, hey. maybe you don't want to do that, son.two: the hair. i have hair! when we started trying, i had to stop taking the drug that makes my hair stop falling out. it had just started to get a little thicker, too, so i was bummed. everyone said

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-82354651946544861252010-02-27T15:08:00.003-05:002010-02-27T15:19:40.320-05:00

i've been feeling sad that i don't take as many pictures as i once did. mostly because it means i'm not getting any better. being a good photographer used to be, i guess still is, a serious ambition, and i've really let it go. i'm not sure why; i'm not feeling compelled by what's around, i guess, even though i have a handsome husband and live in a beautiful place.i figure all this is going to

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-86436157882307204872010-02-20T01:54:00.002-05:002010-02-20T02:03:58.664-05:00

me: i think we should get one of those tiny clothes washing machines that hook up to the sink. for many reasons, but partially because there's about to be a bunch of tiny baby clothes, and we're terrible at taking the laundry into the next building more often than once a month.monkey: herm frumph yes but maybe ?me: ?monkey: we're going to wash diapers in there, right? and there'll be poop

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-35519125667946774992010-02-15T16:12:00.003-05:002010-02-15T16:17:13.741-05:00

i have to admit it's not really bothering anyone but me, but i would give so much at this exact present moment to go THIRTY SECONDS without emitting gas from some part of my body and/or compulsively eating a cookie. this is the kind of thing you can't really say in public because i know there are lots of people who'd give their eye teeth to be pregnant, and so making a joke about it isn't funny,

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-87582793528524717332010-02-14T23:18:00.002-05:002010-02-14T23:24:49.396-05:00

i made the monkey some chocolate sandwich cookies. they're amazing, but i've now licked enough of them off my fingers (and shoved enough of the finished ones in my mouth) that i'm a little sick of them. ah, cookies. a harsh mistress.i keep forgetting how pregnant i am. what week is it? i dunno, sometime in the fifth month? the other day i was suddenly sad that the realities of the first

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-12075790808096324292010-02-05T22:41:00.002-05:002010-02-05T23:05:12.772-05:00

there have been a couple of inward-feeling days. partly, maybe, because it's easy to imagine why that would feel good, given the great happenings happening daily in my inwards, which maybe makes me more likely to focus there. i spend a lot of time half-listening to my abdomen. i'm teaching, i'm doing the dishes, i'm watching some teevee or talking to you, and forty-five percent of my attention

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-63496318012131289852010-02-03T23:06:00.002-05:002010-02-03T23:19:01.734-05:00

the belly has finally gotten to a good place. firm, not so doughy; full of squiggling baby that other people can feel, at least occasionally; visible, but not uncomfortable. this was the week i was sure the students could tell. although, they're not very observant. but i bet some of them have figured it out.the squiggling is something else. the ratio of serious thumps to minor flips and

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-27062581618288454352010-01-21T12:16:00.003-05:002010-01-21T12:20:47.111-05:00

that we're out of the closet? i told scary advisor last week--and, actually, it wasn't so scary; she only groaned, and then apologized, and then moved on to the next topic. she was actually touchingly concerned that i was doing the wrong kind of yoga. anyway, the facebook announcement ensued, and now it's out.on another note, everyone we love: please stop getting married this summer. we

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-34139699322851471292010-01-21T12:01:00.004-05:002010-01-21T12:15:55.563-05:00

we have movement! as of a week ago, it became clear that at least 60% of those maybe-gas-bubbles, maybe-fetus-flips are actually the more exciting of the two. i LOVE this. in meetings, i very carefully crawl inside my own abdomen to check in and see who's moving. the other morning, there was a really distinct one--like, more a thump than a swish--and then it happened again, but of course

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-35254419208561553222010-01-07T14:47:00.004-05:002010-01-21T12:15:46.255-05:00

it is easy to imagine you, prospective baby, as a happy secret that is only mine. sitting in a college cafeteria wearing a maternity t-shirt that i don't quite fill out (despite the inexorable largening of these breasts; when will it end?), no one knows about you but me. this is maybe the only time you will be mine alone, before you're a person, before you can do a single thing without me.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-9185507641018251412010-01-06T23:15:00.004-05:002010-01-21T12:15:35.731-05:00

so, i passed the exams! and had to nod and smile when everyone told me to go get hammered afterwards. it's a sad thing, not being able to celebrate a major achievement with a cocktail.that was a while ago, though. and it's been quiet since. nothing too exciting seems to be happening in the uterus. it's time enough that i could be feeling some tiny movements, and i feel like maybe i do, but

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-25449690546105956612009-11-16T13:10:00.005-05:002010-01-21T12:15:26.427-05:00

the idea of writing all this down and publishing in bulk once the news was out seemed good, but it's difficult to get motivated without the potential for immediate recognition. i'm not sure why; it's not like the fours of readers that might stray back after the hiatus would rush to comment on the news that a lime-sized fetus* has rendered me completely unable to take a crap.(true.)i'm in puerto

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-55000816110469684202009-10-31T02:02:00.005-04:002010-01-21T12:15:18.725-05:00

after the day in which no one has been quite nice enough to me, if there is a nice enough, if i'm not a whirlpool that sucks in nice and cannot be satiated. i need all these dumb labs done, just normal ones, just . . . you know, do i have syphilis (NO) and crap like that, they do this at the beginning of pregnancy, i have read about it on the internet, and like a good soldier willing to schlep

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-87239135872078957182009-10-22T00:14:00.003-04:002010-01-21T12:15:09.805-05:00

i had a dream that the baby was moving. like, MOVING. in the dream, i remembered hearing other people say that once you recognized the flutters of a moving fetus, you realize you've been feeling them for a while--and that freaked me out, because it was way too early to feel the amazing somersault i had just felt, without even thinking about how the moving must have started a while ago. giant

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-66479875523576936382009-10-15T15:52:00.004-04:002010-01-21T12:15:00.988-05:00

guess what? the whole world is different, except oddly, disappointingly, exactly the same. this week the embryonic disk becomes a tube! this is huge! you have some bumps on you i can't remember the name of that later will become muscles and organs! this is so gigantic, and yet i look, and mostly feel, exactly the same. except i can't have any beer. so far, this is kind of a raw deal.we're

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-659403555423319832009-10-06T21:13:00.005-04:002010-01-21T12:14:49.042-05:00

your dad called you an asshole the other day. he didn't mean it; you're just being kind of shy about excreting that one hormone that comes out in pee. so far we've had a negative test, a positive one, a really faintly positive one, and another negative. finally the nice nurse at ucl@ did what the first one should have done, which was leave a standing order for the urine test so i don't have to

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-58850727203333110532009-06-04T02:49:00.001-04:002009-06-04T02:50:28.726-04:00

really, i'm tired. and besides, i don't even like beer.(jerks.)

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-71915992124833428582009-05-31T15:25:00.002-04:002009-05-31T15:27:45.614-04:00

it had been so long i accidentally posted the belows in the wrong blog. wope. i suppose it doesn't matter, but i'd meant them to be more me than us.i'd come by to say that sometimes a well-placed pop song can remind your guts that you really do have the thing most worth having. and then it got diluted by the homework of moving the posts, but i'm seeing if i can carry it around for a while. i

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-23788715986464395552009-05-30T15:24:00.000-04:002009-05-31T15:25:22.351-04:00

i'm back, and the monkey is still in kentucky. it's lonely, but also sort of relieving in the way being alone can be when you have too much to do and not enough grace. i'm hungry for things to be "back to normal," and while sleeping in my own bed is a nice part of that, sleeping in it alone isn't quite right. since the good job we thought he had right before leaving didn't work out (not because

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-84757176184122610452009-05-20T15:23:00.001-04:002009-05-31T15:25:52.256-04:00

things i do when my husband is gone:1. eat veggie corndogs for dinner two evenings in a row.2. sleep flat. i really didn't realize that he makes a BIG dent in the bed, so i'm always sleeping on something of a slant. i woke up this morning feeling amazing. flat!3. put stuff away without thinking about whether *he* should put it away. and then it stays put away.4. not enjoy star trek.5. notice the

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-58562244322643121412009-01-29T15:46:00.002-05:002009-01-29T15:48:11.468-05:00

is it possible that facebook makes me more lonely? is it true that i would be less lonely if i had friends to take hilariously kooky photos with? or knew better adjectives?

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-78650398884576802932009-01-28T15:27:00.003-05:002009-01-28T18:07:27.781-05:00

we had such a wonderful weekend, all birthday for the monkey all the time. i took him to a crazy expensive hotel that was running a sunday night special and we lived pretend luxe for about 24 hours. which, honestly, as much as there's stuff i'd like to do and things i'd prefer not to worry about, is right about enough. i felt so relaxed, and we had a few of those sappy, amazing in-love moments

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-26523101128933541422009-01-06T14:41:00.002-05:002009-01-06T14:44:05.472-05:00

the year is young, but i have said this to myself many times. and not only about cookies, also about skirting up to make important phone calls and occasionally clean something. we'll see how far i get.the monkey is off to an audition and there's a little bit of a thorn in my heart that i'm not going with him. so, maybe time to dust off some monologues (bleech). and maybe return my hair to

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-45892578317967051972008-12-18T19:02:00.002-05:002008-12-18T19:06:57.588-05:00

people who are confident, shut up. no one wants to hear about it. there is nothing i hate like someone calmly talking about how what has really made his or her life work is a strong foundational layer of self-esteem, which, even when it's shaken, never falls down. especially when they say it like they're proud of themselves.when someone wins the lottery (and face it, confidents: you have), if

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-66224341632418509372008-12-17T15:00:00.004-05:002008-12-18T19:02:32.149-05:00

some of the better compliments ever given to me:you have the longest eyelashes i've ever seen.it's like you listen instead of waiting for your turn to talk.you don't really like to fool yourself about things.i want to ride the bus with you.you're going to be one of the cool moms.if that's the note you have, keep on singing, sister.not bad, rookie.i feel like we're married in some parallel

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-650364260608974582008-11-15T23:57:00.003-05:002008-11-16T00:15:08.344-05:00

so, i went to this endocrinologist and had, like, a thousand dollars worth of lab work done. i know! but insurance covered most of it. it looks like most hormonal stuff is where it should be, which is great, although it doesn't explain the hairloss or the, ahem, other stuff. mostly, though, i'm glad there's no evidence of anything seriously awry. my advisor cornered me a few weeks ago and

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-23393237022071120302008-10-24T20:06:00.003-04:002008-10-24T20:10:07.288-04:00

unintentional hiatus. could not deal with blog. back now. worried about the election.but mostly, things are pretty good. the academic term progresses. i'm getting it all done. if things seem a little more . . . by rote, this year, i think it's rightly so. this is my third straight year of coursework. i'm getting, actually, a little bored in my seminars. boredom is often the fault of the

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-63801124123029834122008-09-27T01:32:00.003-04:002008-09-27T01:39:26.100-04:00

there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.like lots of people, i know of two brands of bra that always fit, no matter what. that doesn't keep me from occasionally reading the reviews of the bras, to see how other people liked them. i am also a pretty open-minded sort. that doesn't keep me from being a little surprised when the review is from a man:"Due to a medical condition I wear a bra.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-27714786767478565542008-09-26T16:20:00.002-04:002008-09-26T16:35:50.733-04:00

i know. it's been, like, a month. and i keep talking about how i don't have anything to do. you'd think someone for whom free time is weighing so heavily would blog a little more.except what really happened--and this is so emblematic of my general situation--was that i didn't post for a while because i was procrastinating, and then once i really wanted to, everything heated up. my mom came to

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-30443928130915676252008-09-02T15:05:00.000-04:002008-09-02T15:06:31.300-04:00

for making access to mental health care such a low priority while access to huge ass ridiculous weapons remains constitutionally secured. if this doesn't make you scared and angry, i don't want to talk to you.jesus christ. i walk by there every day.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-29547739864848332492008-08-26T17:47:00.002-04:002008-08-26T17:56:08.905-04:00

moe posted a question for his readers, recently, about the stand-out moment of their respective summers. when i read it, all i could think of was: this summer kind of stunk. the reason why probably has lots to do with social isolation (don't worry! not going to talk about it again!) and some financial worries, but it probably also has to do with stopping the magic bean pills. which i did,

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-2579390034619381772008-08-23T00:11:00.003-04:002008-08-23T00:35:20.414-04:00

spoiler alert--although i must be the only person who really cares about the series to have just now watched the end of the sopranos. however: if you're saving it for a rainy day, stop reading.holy shit. the very end--the end of the last episode? it messed me up. i felt all shaky afterwards. i guess because the big message--this was untenable, you always knew it was coming, you managed to

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-25405743284008818322008-08-13T18:37:00.004-04:002008-08-13T19:22:45.908-04:00

i'm trying to decide just how bad it's right to feel about spending my birthday on the couch with netflix and cocktails. on one hand, i really like those things, and it sounds better than searching out and wrangling a couple of acquaintances on what's going to be a busy day. my three or four school chums are out of town, one permanently--she decided to leave the program after the first year, MA

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-8556451978492951982008-08-06T14:53:00.002-04:002008-08-06T15:03:02.745-04:00

i'm teaching test-prep this summer, and the SAT now involves an essay. so every time they have a practice test, i encourage them to email me the essay so i can respond. and occasionally, i have to type something like:"Also, you should avoid comparing any historical figure you admire to the Nazis."i guess i should stop thinking that one's a no-brainer.(fwiw, the kid does not seem to be a

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-23687867971809424612008-08-02T22:31:00.003-04:002008-08-02T22:32:59.493-04:00

that last post sounded a little macabre, left up there alone for so long. not offing myself or joining witness protection, promise.more cheerful: my new hobby, starting today. though it would be a more awesome one if my phone's camera still worked.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-60918554650239165732008-07-30T01:10:00.002-04:002008-07-30T01:12:34.886-04:00

a friend of mine once took off for a long trip (or maybe it was an operation, i don't know) and felt compelled to tell a bunch of us, hokiness be damned, before she left:if you were ever wondering, did she love me? the answer is probably yes.you know, just in case anything happened to her. while i have no fear or promise of anything substantial happening to me soon, i have had a glass of wine

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-57611109730566856032008-07-25T21:19:00.004-04:002008-07-25T21:39:08.528-04:00

my mom sent us an anniversary gift, with a note saying that when she and my dad were first married, they kept their extra cash in a sugar bowl. (we had a sugar bowl? i've never seen it. maybe i broke it as a child.) since she wasn't sure we had 1) a sugar bowl, or B) any extra cash, she sent us the little sugar dealie from our wedding china pattern. with a hundred bucks in it.my mom knew, even

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-21077369583543758562008-07-22T14:19:00.003-04:002008-07-22T14:49:59.881-04:00

as of today, we are one year married. to everyone who helped make that happen--the best one, the one who is least afraid (along with the grillmaster who loaned the groom's party their hotel room), the one who raises chickens, the godmother, the one who wore the blue dress and did not require rehearsal, the one in the special hat, the guy with the moth-hole in his suit shoulder, the one who loaned

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-28550144523148637712008-07-16T12:35:00.002-04:002008-07-16T12:53:57.049-04:00

i'll admit to being something of an anglophile, and the philia definitely includes the BBC. i particularly love owen bennett-jones (owen bennett-jones! there is no better name!) of the BBC World Service.i've found a few gems periodically in the on-demand section of our cable DVR box, and i was scouting around in there yesterday and re-noticed the BBC America stuff. perfect, i thought. a cup

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-31762675088538395112008-07-15T13:35:00.007-04:002008-07-15T14:12:01.587-04:00

for someone who thinks neediness is possibly one of the least attractive states ever, i am way needy. it's a hard thing to handle publicly; if you share these need-feelings, the people on the other side maybe feel obligated to try to give it to you--or maybe they don't, which is maybe worse. and i guess that's why you'd air something like that. because there's an empty place, and it wants to

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-9230621013779523232008-07-05T14:57:00.004-04:002008-07-05T15:45:14.735-04:00

when i was in seventh grade, there was some adolescent teasing going on at my school that i now realize bordered on--and at some points staged a full-fledged incursion into the realm of--sexual harrassment. this kid, larry burgetti[okay, i totally googled that name before typing it, thinking i might use a psuedonym if there were any kind of web presence. because i'm afraid of him finding me?

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-84399963159609048592008-06-13T00:38:00.000-04:002008-06-13T00:40:04.394-04:00

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-23605896550436338282008-06-10T23:46:00.005-04:002008-06-11T00:03:36.540-04:00

a friend's mom is dying. obviously, this is one of the biggest scaries i can think of. and i wish i didn't think of it, almost every day. my own mom has lived a life in which almost anyone who could die did, of sudden illnesses and accidents, and then she lost a couple of babies. i don't actually remember her referencing this stuff very often; i guess it was just in the air. and it's the

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-57077948079467901772008-06-02T13:39:00.004-04:002008-06-02T13:49:43.102-04:00

i do not think this is currently the case, but if you're a family member, and you ended up here, you're honor-bound to alert me before rummaging through the archives. if not, i will be very disappointed in you. i'm serious. family, stats do not lead me to believe you are here, but if you are, be the bigger man and send me an email. don't read my diary in secret glee.paranoia is not the last

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-86989710277578222022008-05-30T21:59:00.003-04:002008-05-30T22:02:03.480-04:00

oh my god, be over. be over be over be over. everyone else's school is over. it is no longer time for school. weird undergraduate multiple choice spanish final? NO. no more school! no more!(it isn't even that hard right now, it's just that school has always been cyclical, and may has always meant done, and all my other student friends are done, and, god, it isn't even like this summer is

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-90063365314213229722008-05-28T20:39:00.003-04:002008-05-29T11:41:17.542-04:00

thing one: alarming messages regarding the serious ill health of the loved ones of loved ones have been showing up. like anyone, i never have any idea how to convey my sympathy in manner that approaches both adequate and appropriate. i took a page from a wise man and stumbled in. i'm not going to say anything else because i can't imagine what would be . . . useful, in any way.thing two: i

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-32418561257235960842008-05-21T12:50:00.002-04:002008-05-21T12:52:31.235-04:00

i think the only reason to send someone this telefl0ra(tm) bouquet, the only appropriate occasion, is if you have just put a hit out on them.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-29885097472300553152008-05-17T01:24:00.002-04:002008-05-17T01:31:45.854-04:00

i really like about the status quo, and that's: if you do the humanities right, grad school is the examined life. and unlike most times in my past when "examined life" meant "constant anxiety," what it means now is that i buy a lot of my clothes second hand and i eat a lot of beans and it is perfectly, perfectly fine. i feel more responsible to my own vision of what might count as important.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-67297417155704811292008-05-12T22:02:00.005-04:002008-05-12T22:09:27.428-04:00

sometimes i think: no matter how much he thinks he got the better deal, really it was me. it was i. i who lucked out. because there is something about the monkey that is just so honestly good that my own heart--occasionally tempted to cook the books, to take friday afternoon off, to steal post-its and not make another pot of coffee after taking the last cup--knows itself as something of a

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-92184163218930089552008-05-03T00:39:00.001-04:002008-05-03T00:45:39.847-04:00

from the hooter frivolity, but i was cleaning out my files today, and found this mary oliver poem. it's for everyone, but also especially for you.Every yeareverything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this: the fires and the black river of loss whose other side is salvation whose meaning none of us will ever know.To live in this world you must be able to do three things:to love

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-66804626764909823572008-05-01T00:13:00.003-04:002008-05-01T00:21:00.828-04:00

so, the best one is coming west this spring--at least as far west as las vegas. and we thought it might be a nice chance to see her and her lovely man. so we plotted and planned, and figured out the likely cost of the drive, and in something like the gambling spirit, secured a bargain room just off the strip via the priceline name-your-own deal, where you don't get to know which hotel it is

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-66896045130317085642008-04-28T01:40:00.003-04:002008-04-28T01:43:42.946-04:00

i called him today. he and my mom are camping on the snake river. by way of making conversation, i mentioned that i spent yesterday at the festival of books. i told him how nice it was to walk around in the sun and watch the kids, and that i got kettle corn. and he spontaneously waxed rhapsodic about how much he loves kettle corn, and i loved him so much in that moment that i thought it might

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-32158108260144939722008-04-26T23:38:00.001-04:002008-04-26T23:39:49.240-04:00

our adjustable mortgage just came due for its first adjustment, and it went down.this possibility never occured to me. but, hey. we'll take it.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-37498540141552713002008-04-23T23:23:00.002-04:002008-04-23T23:50:59.912-04:00

i missed a class today. for no reason, with no excuse. i forgot to go. this is one of the biggest no-nos in my field. departments are small, seminars intimate; you do not get out of jail for free. and it's a big deal. they don't meet that often, they're the core of the experience, they're you're highest priority, etc.except, this wasn't a seminar. it was this semi-useless thing we have to

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-27455663289334395542008-04-18T21:27:00.002-04:002008-04-18T21:39:34.963-04:00

that my insurance covers pregnancy, but once the kid is ex-utero, they're like, whatever. got a kid? your problem.this is probably pretty normal, but we're already paying out of pocket for dependent insurance for the monkey. also, did i mention the onsite child care here has a massive waiting list, only takes kids full time and charges a tuition equal to our rent?i mention all this only

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-54822147230757587152008-04-13T01:26:00.002-04:002008-04-13T01:39:25.011-04:00

i wish i were joking.right now is the time that makes people take too many painkillers. everything is fine, really, nothing is too scary, there's just so much downtime, so much alone. i can't tell if what's making it worse than normal is the monkey being gone with the car, leaving me stranded-feeling (like i was going to motor to west hollywood and check out a singles bar, oh yes) or that he's

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-89142473508099730642008-04-01T00:04:00.002-04:002008-04-01T00:09:54.755-04:00

new quarter started today. it's not the worst job ever.the week with my parents in the desert was pretty great, despite a shocking inability, early on, to be nice to my mom. i mean, i wasn't a total dick, but everytime she said black, i said white. i noticed it and tried to undo, but it was disconcerting. i love them and don't see them so much and so want to spend as little time as possible

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-65303095236743435302008-03-11T22:32:00.002-04:002008-03-11T22:36:52.728-04:00

my parents, who just moved to arizona for the winters, in the company of many many older people, have gotten in the habit of reading obituaries out loud to each other over the breakfast table. apparently it's quite diverting. mom's current favorite involves Kenneth H., who died at 109 and liked "nurses and dessert."

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-87704759909116092102008-03-09T01:59:00.002-05:002008-03-09T03:30:25.409-04:00

i always think these are going to be unbearably navelly, but i also like getting picked. la ketch, please finish telling about sleep training because i am living vicariously through other people's babies while i slowly go through another year's worth of viable eggs.i can't believe i've never: slept with a girl. published a short story. been on law and order. these are all things i once

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-64102433415571327992008-03-07T19:25:00.002-05:002008-03-07T19:58:37.441-05:00

i am going to write this paper.i'm writing this thing about reality television and actresses and authenticity, and every time i think about it, i imagine professorials rolling their eyes about it, because it's about reality television and i don't exactly have the argument nailed down and i seem to prefer internet solitaire to my chosen profession by an alarming degree. perhaps i could have

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-59295569778623860352008-03-06T14:03:00.001-05:002008-03-06T14:03:55.178-05:00

i may have already said this, but i think the big bummer is that not only can't you make someone love you, you can't make them do anything about it.i locked myself out of the apartment yesterday. without my phone (cunningly also left inside the apartment; i am nothing if not consistent). and because our apartment is opened with an ID card, like some weird residential motel, if i have left my

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-28964312520049275632008-03-03T16:04:00.002-05:002008-03-03T16:15:57.963-05:00

i passed my big test. was momentarily greatly relieved, and then just started grinding my teeth at night about something else. (it wakes the monkey up. he says it's like there's gravel in there. cronch cronch.)he got a job. the acting kind. there was a momentary episode of the evil envies, but not too bad. the worser part was that this job doesn't pay so well--i mean, more than i've ever

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-27608710952981541172008-02-15T12:11:00.003-05:002008-02-15T12:16:27.008-05:00

i love this, but among the very many who are as distant as they are dear, can't think of a single one who would be game.school is sucking, but i think it's temporary. we have this big test, an oral exam that covers the entire year to date in 30 minutes. i am a studying fiend. i have made flash cards.it's not just the exam, though. it's the feeling that someone big, a collective noun, wants me

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-13912126696073662282008-01-29T16:43:00.000-05:002008-01-29T16:45:50.771-05:00

i was a tireless advocate of condoms in schools, once upon a time. maybe not tireless. but certainly energetic.and it's not that i've changed my mind; i've just sort of moved on to other causes. but still, i confess i was a little peeved that the women's restroom in the graduate research library has a condom machine but not a tampon machine.i mean.that just doesn't help me out at all.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-63063917321650882642008-01-25T20:37:00.000-05:002008-01-25T20:41:20.764-05:00

tubby and tired, unsuccessful and unmotivated.this is not the whole or actual story of whole and actual me, but i feel like it's the blurb on my current book jacket. not that i have a book jacket. i know, mediation and love and positive action and whatever, but today i'd just be happy if i didn't want to eat toast and watch tee vee so much.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-35987337843279373812008-01-16T14:46:00.000-05:002008-01-16T14:55:37.048-05:00

so, one of the first pieces of academic argot i picked up was the habit of referring to any given written work by the name of its author, preceded by the definite article. i mean, assuming you're in a group of people who are all familiar with the piece. if we're reading something by judith butler, someone will inevitably say, "what i found interesting in the butler was [blah blah yadda my butt

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-72046994921627687102008-01-12T19:28:00.000-05:002008-01-12T19:30:39.108-05:00

i have been reading about norbert wiener.the most important thing about norbert wiener is that he founded cybernetics, without which star trek would be a lot less fun. also important is that there is a prize named after him. the wiener prize. i am making a lot of jokes about the wiener prize at home, because the seminar of a famous author may not be the place to make them. i recall the moment

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-34631494096220794222008-01-01T15:07:00.001-05:002008-01-01T15:13:54.611-05:00

want what you have, want what you have, want what you have.especially if you what you have is a feast.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-28690852639055453352007-12-12T22:45:00.000-05:002007-12-12T22:47:19.525-05:00

makes your term paper due at ONE PEE EM? everyone knows if it's due the 12th, you have until close of business! and if you're going to fuck with that, you shouldn't send out one email in november that says "one pee em" in tiny letters and then never mention it again. especially when abashed students go back to that email and see that the recommended length is five pages more than the

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-14423055018625126932007-12-06T01:04:00.001-05:002007-12-06T01:04:25.531-05:00

had a dream i was pregnant, and it wasn't a nightmare.babies babies babies.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-79793633655496564022007-11-29T13:21:00.000-05:002007-11-29T13:29:13.001-05:00

was when we were reintroduced, and it turned out i was from new york, and he lives in new york, and he said, why did you move? for work? and i said, no, for school. i'm getting a ph.d. oh, he said. a ph.d. in what?in rock, i said. a ph.d. in rock.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-57940637853340402902007-11-20T13:41:00.001-05:002007-11-20T16:05:12.756-05:00

that one of you of which i spoke has apparently tagged me to answer some questions. i feel like a dork doing this, but i like being picked for things.six guilty pleasures no one would suspect me of having:well, i don't know about no one, but . . .1. pretending i am being interviewed on NPR. sometimes the reason i have to go to the library to study is the desire to work out my theses out loud,

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-48412583427538924712007-11-20T13:13:00.001-05:002007-11-20T13:41:11.144-05:00

this may only be of interest to one of you (and given the paucity of posts lately, i'm relatively sure that readership no longer constitutes the third person plural), but i'm on the guest list for the mike doughty question jar show at the hotel cafe next week. thanks awfully, scrap and erica.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-40100674027802656372007-11-18T01:19:00.000-05:002007-11-18T01:24:10.500-05:00

you know, i am generally happy these days, but once there was a young man who was mean to me, and occasionally the spontaneous thought of him, now not so young, being nice to anyone else makes me want to rip up all the sofa cushions.

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-53394762353948195022007-10-28T16:25:00.000-04:002007-10-28T16:42:04.002-04:00

we hit an awkward stretch, there, for a minute. i felt like i knew it was going to hit eventually. no one moves this far this fast with so few resources--few! i should recalibrate. maybe just a smaller surfeit than i'd choose--without getting a little burnt at the edges. he can't find a job. and then he did, and through some awkward unfortunateness, lost it. i grew up pretty bougie, and

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-40093393239407375782007-10-06T12:25:00.000-04:002007-10-06T12:26:53.830-04:00

(reader, we tried to post this a week or so ago and had no luck. belated, but:)california: thumbs up, at this moment. the term in badsubletland was a real downer; nothing like moving across the country, having put your stuff into hock in exchange for inexorable traffic noise, an inflatable mattress, no fridge and general filthiness. filthy.i'm sure part of it is the sunshine. say what you want,

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-45900072322027059022007-09-11T10:52:00.000-04:002007-09-11T11:15:22.950-04:00

no jokes, please, but i hve been thinking. about the babies.it's just that my logic always sort of ran: we'll get everything finished up, and then we'll procreate. we'll have good jobs, or . . . i don't know, jobs, and health insurance, and we'll be somewhere good and then, babies.and i was sort of grousing about how by the time the degree is finished, i'll be clocking in at 35--which, i

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-75308023081187385872007-08-20T16:11:00.000-04:002007-08-20T16:41:55.050-04:00

sorry about the blog death. it's not final. i'm just having a hard time making it not be a chore, these days. there's a lot to do, and when it's finally over for the day it's beyond me to make the catalogue-ing of it interesting.i'm in the burbank airport, waiting to see how the stand-by goes for the replacement for my delayed flight. it's the first hassle of the california trip, so maybe i

l.noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4119574.post-49675322750761474012007-08-06T17:42:00.000-04:002007-08-06T18:00:02.510-04:00

i know, but i wasn't ready to talk about it yet.i realize that the rest of the world has moved on from my wedding, but i still think about it an awful lot. i figure that's my due. it was so unbelievably happy, despite a slightly discordant note at the end when a good friend tore my dress and everyone left at 11:30 (sunday night! what were we thinking?).the whole thing started out good and got

l.noreply@blogger.com0